Clouds of confusionrolled into illusionHe veils perversionforcing her coercionHer body he takeswhile she flies awayunbelievable, she's invisible

~ Diana Rasmussen

Diana Rasmussen Abuse Abuse Survivors Awareness Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Women

His worst fantasy her realityhe pulls the stringsdoes unspeakable thingsA sadistic entrancefor his acceptance

~ Diana Rasmussen

Diana Rasmussen Abuse Awareness Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Victim Women

We don’t necessarily know how to hear stories about any kind of violence, because it is hard to accept that violence is as simple as it is complicated, that you can love someone who hurts you, that you can stay with someone who hurts you, that you can be hurt by someone who loves you, that you can be hurt by a complete stranger, that you can be hurt in so many terrible, intimate ways.

~ Roxane Gay

Roxane Gay Abuse Assault Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Rape Violence

Domestic violence rarely affects only those directly involved in the abusive relationship.

~ Asa Don Brown

Asa Don Brown Abuse Addiction Domestic Abuse Dr Asa Don Brown The Sober World Magazine Violence

For the Wife Beater's WifeWith blue irises her face is blossomed. BlueCircling to yellow, circling to brown on her cheeks.The long bone of her jaw untrackedShe hides in our kitchen.He sleeps it off next door.Her chicken legs tucked under herShe's frantic with lies, animatedBefore the swirling smoke.On her cigarette she leaves red prints, redLike a cut on the white cup.Like a skin she pulls her sweater around her.She's cold,She brings the cold in with her.In our kitchen she hides.He sleeps it off next door, his greatBelly heaving with booze.Again and again she tells the storyAs if the details ever changed,As if blows to the face were somehowDifferent beating to beating.We reach for her but can't help.She retreats into her cold love of himAnd looks across the table at usAs if across a sea.Next door he claws out of sleep.She says she thinks she'll do somethingAfter all, with her hair tonight.

~ Bruce Weigl

Bruce Weigl Abuse Domestic Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Poetry Violence

Suspicion of Abuse gets to your toes before you see it in your face.

~ Auliq Ice

Auliq Ice Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Harrasment Human Rights Abuse Human Rights Violations Racism Racism And Culture

To tell a tale so great as to tear the soul inside outSara Niles, Torn From the Inside Out

~ Sara Niles

Sara Niles Domestic Abuse Memoir Sara Niles Torn From The Inside Out

Domestic terrorism is alive and well in the USA and it is masquerading as “Progress”.

~ Steven Magee

Steven Magee Alive Domestic Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Mask Masquarades Masquerade Progress Progressive Terror Terrorism Terrorist Terrorist Attack Terrorist Attacks Terrorists Terrors Usa Well

An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abused Women Abuser Abusive Men Abusive Partner Abusive Relationship Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Physical Abuse

The abusive man’s high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs—or her children’s—get neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he’ll never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that you are controlling him, because he doesn’t believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abusive Men Abusive Partners Abusive Relationship Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Entitlement

It is fine to commiserate with a man about his bad experience with a previous partner, but the instant he uses her as an excuse to mistreat you, stop believing anything he tells you about that relationship and instead recognize it as a sign that he has problems with relating to women.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abused Women Abusive Men Abusive Partners Abusive Relationships Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence

The fact of the matter is, if you haven’t been in an abusive relationship, you don’t really know what the experience is like. Furthermore, it’s quite hard to predict what you would do in the same situation. I find that the people most vocal about what they would’ve done in the same situation often have no clue what they are talking about – they have never been in the same situation themselves.By invalidating the survivor’s experience, these people are defending an image of themselves that they identify with strength, not realizing that abuse survivors are often the strongest individuals out there. They’ve been belittled, criticized, demeaned, devalued, and yet they’ve still survived. The judgmental ones often have little to no life experience regarding these situations, yet they feel quite comfortable silencing the voices of people who’ve actually been there.

~ Shahida Arabi

Shahida Arabi Abuse Domestic Abuse Emotional Abuse Narcissism Verbal Abuse

Julia's fears of coming forward with the violence were based on anticipated as well as actual responses from friends and acquaintances. I also recognized Julia's introverted and moody side, but I knew she wasn't capable of inciting her husband to kick, choke, and lock her in her home like an animal. Besides, considering how she was being treated, it was not surprising that she seemed moody, sensitive, even depressed. More important, nothing any woman could do could justify such behavior.

~ Susan Weitzman

Susan Weitzman Abuse Domestic Abuse Physical Assault Upscale Marriage

Consider these traditional theories of domestic abuse:- Learned helplessness suggest that abused women learn to become helpless under abusive conditions; they are powerless to extricate themselves from such relationships and/or unable to make adaptive choices- The cycle of violence describes a pattern that includes a contrition or honeymoon phase. The abusive husband becomes contrite and apologetic after a violent episode, making concerted efforts to get back in his wife’s good graces.- Traumatic bonding attempts to explain the inexplicable bond that is formed between a woman and her abusive partner- The theory of past reenactments posits that women in abusive relationships are reliving unconscious feelings from early childhood scenarios. My research results and experience with patients do not conform to these concepts. I have found that the upscale abused wife is not a victim of learned helplessness. Rather, she makes specific decisions along the path to be involved in the abusive marriage, including silent strategizing as she chooses to stay or leave the marriage. Nor does the upscale abused wife experience the classic cycle of violence, replete with the honeymoon stage, in which the husband courts his wife to seek her forgiveness. As in the case of Sally and Ray, the man of means actually does little to seek his wife’s forgiveness after a violent episode.Further, the upscale abused wife voices more attachment to her lifestyle than the traumatic bonding with her abusive mate. And very few of the abused women I have met over the years experienced abuse in their childhoods or witnessed it between their parents. In fact, it is this lack of experience with violence, rage, and abuse that makes this woman even more overwhelmed and unclear about how to cope with something so alien to her and the people in her universe.

~ Susan Weitzman

Susan Weitzman Abuse Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Upscale Marriage

How could she love him after what he did to her? How could she contemplate taking him back?” It’s sad that those are the first thoughts that run through our minds when someone is abused. Shouldn’t there be more distaste in our mouths for the abusers than for those who continue to love the abusers?

~ Colleen Hoover

Colleen Hoover Abuse Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Victim Blaming

Society has seldom considered the vicarious effects of domestic violence between partners on the lives of children.

~ Asa Don Brown

Asa Don Brown Abuse Abused Abusive Domestic Abuse Dr Asa Don Brown The Sober World Magazine

...Studies have found that children who witness abuse are more likely to accept relationships that are abusive.

~ Asa Don Brown

Asa Don Brown Abuse Abused Abusive Addict Addiction Addictive Domestic Abuse Dr Asa Don Brown The Sober World Magazine

Domestic abusers and the abused need to develop healthy support systems...

~ Asa Don Brown

Asa Don Brown Abuse Addiction Asa Don Brown Develop Domestic Abuse Healthy Healthy Support Systems The Sober World Magazine

You couldn't not notice the bruise on the side of her face. Or the hickey under her chin.

~ Rainbow Rowell

Rainbow Rowell Abuse Bruise Domestic Abuse Eleanor And Park Hickey Lust

Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once. If he raises a fist; punches a hole in the wall; throws things at you; blocks your way; restrains you; grabs, pushes, or pokes you; or threatens to hurt you, that’s physical abuse. He is creating fear and using your need for physical freedom and safety as a way to control you.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abusive Men Abusive Partners Abusive Relationships Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Physical Abuse

The abuser does not believe, however, that his level of authority over the children should be in any way connected to his actual level of effort or sacrifice on their behalf, or to how much knowledge he actually has about who they are or what is going on in their lives. He considers it his right to make the ultimate determination of what is good for them even if he doesn’t attend to their needs or even if he only contributes to those aspects of child care that he enjoys or that make him look like a great dad in public.

~ Lundy Bancroft Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Bancroft Abuse Abusive Men Abusive Parents Abusive Relationships Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence

It is important to note that research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons.So while a small number of abusive men do hate women, the great majority exhibit a more subtle—though often quite pervasive—sense of superiority or contempt toward females, and some don’t show any obvious signs of problems with women at all until they are in a serious relationship.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abusive Men Abusive Parents Abusive Partners Abusive Relationships Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence

When a man’s face contorts in bitterness and hatred, he looks a little insane. When his mood changes from elated to assaultive in the time it takes to turn around, his mental stability seems open to question. When he accuses his partner of plotting to harm him, he seems paranoid. It is no wonder that the partner of an abusive man would come to suspect that he was mentally ill. Yet the great majority of my clients over the years have been psychologically “normal.” Their minds work logically; they understand cause and effect; they don’t hallucinate. Their perceptions of most life circumstances are reasonably accurate. They get good reports at work; they do well in school or training programs; and no one other than their partners—and children—thinks that there is anything wrong with them. Their value system is unhealthy, not their psychology.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abusive Men Abusive Partners Abusive Relationships Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Mental Health Physical Abuse Verbal Abuse

The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are:It’s your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I’m unhappy aboutany aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it’s your fault.You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.I am above criticism.I am a very loving and giving partner. You’re lucky to have me.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abusive Behavior Abusive Men Abusive Partner Abusive Relationship Domestic Abuse

The central attitudes driving the Drill Sergeant are:I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong.I know the exact way that everything should be done.You shouldn’t have anyone else — or any thing else — in your life besides me.I am going to watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence.I love you more than anyone in the world, but you disgust me. (!!)

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abusive Men Abusive Partner Abusive Relationship Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Physical Abuse Sexual Abuse

Never believe a man’s claim that he has to harm his partner in order to protect her, only abusers think this way.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abuse Survivors Abused Women Abusive Men Abusive Partners Abusive Relationship Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence

IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abused Women Abuser Abusers Abusive Men Abusive Partner Abusive Partners Abusive Relationship Abusive Relationships Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Emotional Abuse Mental Abuse Physical Abuse Psychological Abuse

One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abused Women Abuser Abusive Men Abusive Partners Abusive Relationship Abusive Relationships Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence

THE MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS1. He was abused as a child.2. His previous partner hurt him.3. He abuses those he loves the most.4. He holds in his feelings too much.5. He has an aggressive personality.6. He loses control.7. He is too angry.8. He is mentally ill.9. He hates women.10. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.11. He has low self-esteem.12. His boss mistreats him.13. He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.14. There are as many abusive women as abusive men.15. His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.16. He is a victim of racism.17. He abuses alcohol or drugs.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abusers Abusive Men Abusive Partners Abusive Relationship Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence

But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into thecenter of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abusive Men Abusive Partners Abusive Relationships Domestic Abuse

I have sometimes said to a client: “If you are so in touch with your feelings from your abusive childhood, then you should know what abuse feels like. You should be able to remember how miserable it was to be cut down to nothing, to be put in fear, to be told that the abuse is your own fault. You should be less likely to abuse a woman, not more so, from having been through it.” Once I make this point, he generally stops mentioning his terrible childhood; he only wants to draw attention to it if it’s an excuse to stay the same, not if it’s a reason to change.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abuser Abusive Men Abusive Partners Abusive Relationships Childhood Abuse Domestic Abuse

Although the typical abusive man works to maintain a positive public image, it is true that some women have abusive partners who are nasty or intimidating to everyone. How about that man? Do his problems result from mistreatment by his parents? The answer is both yes and no; it depends on which problem we’re talking about. His hostility toward the human race may sprout from cruelty in his upbringing, but he abuses women because he has an abuse problem. The two problems are related but distinct.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abuser Abusive Men Abusive Partners Abusive Relationships Childhood Abuse Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence

When we hear these kinds of excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that—excuses. We don’t consider an active alcoholic a reliable source of insight. So why should we let an angry and controlling man be the authority on partner abuse?

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abuse Abusive Men Abusive Partners Alcoholic Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence

Last night I dreamt Moses and I were rowing underwater.We could breathe and talk to one another.We rowed past schools of fish and sea anemones and Moses named them for me.”—Jules Finn

~ J. Dylan Yates

J. Dylan Yates 60 S 70 S Alcoholism Angels Child Abuse Child Neglect Coming Of Age Domestic Abuse Drowning Drug Abuse Hippies Historical Fiction Holocaust Islands Literary Fiction Majdanek Mefkura New Adult Fiction New England Towns Paris Ukraine Women S Movement

Everybody's good when they're good, darling. You don't judge a person by that. It's how they act when things aren't good that tells you who they really are.

~ Megan Jacobson

Megan Jacobson Actions Actions Speak Louder Than Words Aussie Author Australian Literature Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Goodness Love Megan Jacobson

Children have rights outside their mother's womb without having to be victim's of Domestic Violence inside their mother's womb.

~ Sheree' Griffin

Sheree' Griffin Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Love Hurts Marriage Marriage Counseling Spousal Abuse

It is essential that children who are directly or indirectly affected by domestic violence receive psychological care.

~ Asa Don Brown

Asa Don Brown Abused Abuser Abusive Addict Addiction Domestic Abuse Dr Asa Don Brown Interpersonal Relationships Interpersonal Skills Intrapersonal Skills The Sober World Magazine

Truth: Rape does indeed happen between girlfriend and boyfriend, husband and wife. Men who force their girlfriends or wives into having sex are committing rape, period. The laws are blurry, and in some countries marital rape is legal. But it still is rape.

~ Patti Feuereisen

Patti Feuereisen Coercive Acts Date Rape Domestic Abuse Domestic Violence Intimate Partner Violence Ipv Marital Rape Rape Rape Convictions Rape Culture Rape Myths Sexual Assault Teenage Dating

In the 1890s, when Freud was in the dawn of his career, he was struck by how many of his female patients were revealing childhood incest victimization to him. Freud concluded that child sexual abuse was one of the major causes of emotional disturbances in adult women and wrote a brilliant and humane paper called “The Aetiology of Hysteria.” However, rather than receiving acclaim from his colleagues for his ground-breaking insights, Freud met with scorn. He was ridiculed for believing that men of excellent reputation (most of his patients came from upstanding homes) could be perpetrators of incest.Within a few years, Freud buckled under this heavy pressure and recanted his conclusions. In their place he proposed the “Oedipus complex,” which became the foundation of modern psychology. According to this theory any young girl actually desires sexual contact with her father, because she wants to compete with her mother to be the most special person in his life. Freud used this construct to conclude that the episodes of incestuous abuse his clients had revealed to him had never taken place; they were simply fantasies of events the women had wished for when they were children and that the women had come to believe were real. This construct started a hundred-year history in the mental health field of blaming victims for the abuse perpetrated on them and outright discrediting of women’s and children’s reports of mistreatment by men.Once abuse was denied in this way, the stage was set for some psychologists to take the view that any violent or sexually exploitative behaviors that couldn’t be denied—because they were simply too obvious—should be considered mutually caused. Psychological literature is thus full of descriptions of young children who “seduce” adults into sexual encounters and of women whose “provocative” behavior causes men to become violent or sexually assaultive toward them.I wish I could say that these theories have long since lost their influence, but I can’t. A psychologist who is currently one of the most influential professionals nationally in the field of custody disputes writes that women provoke men’s violence by “resisting their control” or by “attempting to leave.” She promotes the Oedipus complex theory, including the claim that girls wish for sexual contact with their fathers. In her writing she makes the observation that young girls are often involved in “mutually seductive” relationships with their violent fathers, and it is on the basis of such “research” that some courts have set their protocols. The Freudian legacy thus remains strong.

~ Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft Abusive Men Abusive Parents Child Abuse Domestic Abuse Freudian Incest Sexual Abuse Victim Blaming