Kiera Van Gelder said this quote

“ But what if you simply don't have a solid self to return to—if the way you are is seen as basically broken? And what if you can't conceive of normal or healthy because pain and loneliness are all you remember? ”

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I’m not interested in Bob Marley telling me to ‘lively up’ myself. The only music that satisfies me is Nine Inch Nails and Trent Reznor’s voice crying through industrial rhytms. In the August evenings, I lie on my bed with earphones, letting his laments roll through me like unrepentant thunderstorms. I envy the courage that carries his voice into the world. He doesn’t berate himself for pain and anger; he howls. And this delights me, even though I feel ashamed when my own rage comes to the surface. My anger doesn’t signify courage; it’s just more confirmation that I’m bad.

~ Kiera Van Gelder

Kiera Van Gelder Borderline Depression Shame

In some ways, com­ing to terms with my­self and work­ing to­ward re­cov­ery has been like say­ing “I love you” to some­one but keep­ing a loaded gun hid­den in your back pocket, just in case that per­son pisses you off enough.

~ Kiera Van Gelder

Kiera Van Gelder Automutilation Borderline Personality Disorder Recovering From Bpd Recovery Self Harm Suicide

DBT's catchphrase of developing a life worth living means you're not just surviving; rather, you have good reasons for living. I'm also getting better at keeping another dialectic in mind: On the one hand, the disorder decimates all relationships and social functions, so you're basically wandering in the wasteland of your own failure, and yet you have to keep walking through it, gathering the small bits of life that can eventually go into creating a life worth living. To be in the desolate badlands while envisioning the lush tropics without being totally triggered again isn't easy, especially when life seems so effortless for everyone else.

~ Kiera Van Gelder

Kiera Van Gelder Balance Borderline Bpd Dbt Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Failure Life Life Lessons Mistakes Survival Surviving

I'm so good at beginnings, but in the end I always seem to destroy everything, including myself.

~ Kiera Van Gelder

Kiera Van Gelder Borderline Personality Disorder Mental Illness