Oh God just look at me now... one night opens words and utters pain... I cannot begin to explain to you... this... I am not here. This is not happening. Oh wait, it is, isn't it?I am a ghost. I am not here, not really. You see skin and cuts and frailty...these are symptoms, you known, of a ghost. An unclear image with unclear thoughts whispering vague things...If I told you what was really in my head, you''d never let me leave this place. And I have no desire to spend time in hell while I'm still, in theory, alive.

~ Emily Andrews

Emily Andrews Crazy Cuts Cutting Derealization Frail Ghost Hospital Mental Health Mental Illness Psychiatric Hospital Reality Self Harm Self Injury Suicidal Symptoms Thoughts Unreal Weak

Ricky just listens. He isn't shocked. He isn't surprised. He listens to me because he knows. He knows the shame and the guilt and the sorrow and the rage. And he does not judge me. He just listens.

~ Emily Andrews

Emily Andrews Anger Child Abuse Depression Fear Judgement Judging Listening Rage Sadness Shame Shock Sorrow Surprise

My mother's mouth drops. 'Emmy...don't say those things Emmy. Remember, we don't talk about those things.''Yes Mom. I remember. That's why I'm here, looking like this.'An orderly knocks on the door and announces that visiting time is over.My mother and I look at each other awkwardly, and hug.'I love you,' she says.'I love you too, Mom.''You aren't telling them too much are you?' she asks, afraid.I sign. 'No Mommy, I'm not.'She's visibly relieved. She leaves the room.The orderley comes back and escorts me back into the main room.I just sit and laugh to myself. (after Emmy's suicide attempt) ~ The Finer Points of Becoming Machine

~ Emily Andrews

Emily Andrews Avoidance Bad Parenting Denial Dysfunctional Families Emotional Abuse Lies Mental Hospital Secrets Suicdality Suicide Suicide Attempt

I used to pray you know, pray to God that He would somehow stop it. All the nights of listening to my mother scream and things breaking. Of holding my brother and sister and listening to them cry and begging me to stop it.'My voice is slow and steady like a freight train at night.'I was too young, and we were always told that they'd put us in foster homes where people would rape us if we ever said anything. So we explained away the bruises and my mom wore big sunglasses whenever she left the house. And we invented car accidents if the bruising was too bad to cover with make-up.

~ Emily Andrews

Emily Andrews Abuse Abusive Family Bruises Denial Domestic Violence Fear Foster Home Hidden Hiding Lies Physical Abuse Screaming Secrets Siblings Societal Denial Society Denial Threats

I repeat one of my mantras. 'This is not happening. This is not real. This did not happen to you. That was someone else.

~ Emily Andrews

Emily Andrews Coping Denial Emotions Mantra Mental Illness Overwhelmed Reality Unhealthy