Contemporary Comedy Quotes

Some people say Earth is the bottom level of Purgatory.' She pointed toward the floor and frowned.'I call it the top floor of Hell.

~ Tara West

You wish for what's called wooing. This customary game, where the man shows the woman that resistance is impractical, strikes me as quite pointless.

~ Tara West

Just in front of her lay the Congaree Swamp National Forest. To prove it, a mosquito the size of a kitten landed on her arm and prepared to drill.

~ Sela Carsen

I'm twenty-nine, happily single and getting it on a regular basis' I said, enjoying the way their thin lips hung open in an impressive O.'Well I've never,' Jane gasped.'Clearly. You should try it some time. I understand Mr Smith is so vision impaired you might have a shot there.'Their appalled shrieks were music to my ears and I quickly made my escape.

~ Robyn Peterman

Do you mind if we leave here so I can chain smoke 'til I throw up so it will be easier to quit?

~ Robyn Peterman

While I had no intention of hooking up with him, I still wanted him to want to hook up with me.It was the principle of the thing, after all.

~ Kimberly Raye

I've also been known to cry during MasterCard commercials.

~ Kimberly Raye

I could run, too, but my feet hurt. It's tough being a fashion vixen.

~ Kimberly Raye

Wait until you meet my family. At Thanksgiving, we kill everything we can find, put it into a pot, and call it 'holiday gumbo'.

~ Molly Harper

Hubert's wife, Mindy, was a tiny powerhouse of a woman with a halo of wild blond hair and eye makeup so complex it took me a while to locate her pupils. She was clearly the brains of the operation, such as she was.

~ Molly Harper

I held it together for the rest of the drive home but as soon as Kelsey dropped me off I flopped face down on the couch and sobbed like a reality TV star on confessional day.

~ Molly Harper

He was always 'checking in' to see if I needed any help with my campaign, which on the surface seemed nice enough, but it was done in a condescending tone that made me want to staple his lip to his tie.

~ Molly Harper

If one is going to spend her afternoon singing hymns to the great porcelain goddess, she might as well do it in a really plush ladies room. Stupid fear of public speaking.

~ Molly Harper

Leave before I have to rip your eyes out with my dull Lady Bic razor.

~ Rose Pressey

She wasn't the type. Her idea of exercise was lifting a fork.

~ Rose Pressey

This look said I was uncomfortably near some line. Nikos had a lot of lines, all hidden. If you shot a marble in on one side of his personality, instead of coming out the other it would bounce on secret internal walls and shoot out in some unpredictable way. I suspected some of those ways were deadly.

~ Mary Hughes

...I supplied in a tone so saccharine that it should have tipped him off that his testicular health was in serious peril.

~ Molly Harper

Ophelia was beating some poor underling for not knowing her arse from the sparse collection of cells between her ears.

~ Molly Harper

Annabelle was practically standing on my back. It was like wearing an Annabelle backpack.

~ Rose Pressey