Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.
~ Al Bernstein
We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.
~ Dave Barry
The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist Jack.
~ H. L. Mencken
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? All the rest of you if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
~ John Lennon
As one skeleton said to the other - if I had any guts I'd get the heck out of here.
~ Anonymous
Thanks for the nice introduction. Next to my resume that's the closest I'll ever come to perfection.
We were worried that our main speaker wouldn't be able to make it tonight. But fortunately due to a hole in the prosecution's case . . .
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare but then I thought Why should I? He never reads any of mine.
~ Spike Milligan
I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before.
When I was preparing for this speech I asked my family for advice. One member replied There's a first time for everything so try to be funny and brief.
Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously they've never heard me tell a joke.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks.
I'm moving down here . . . because some of you in the back might not be able to hear my talk . . . and that wouldn't be fair to those who can hear it.
It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world of any class or race simply by walking on a stage and uttering the words I am a married man.
~ Ted Kavanaugh
This gathering is what I call intimate which really means Where is everybody?
~ Tim Conway
