Augusten Burroughs said this quote

“ I slipped on a turtleneck, laughing when my head became stuck in the turtle part. If they weren't called turtlenecks, I wouldn't have worn them. ”

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If you have one parent who loves you, even if they can't buy you clothes, they're so poor and they make all kinds of mistakes and maybe sometimes they even give you awful advice, but never for one moment do you doubt their love for you--if you have this, you have incredibly good fortune.If you have two parents who love you? You have won life's Lotto.If you do not have parents, or if the parents you have are so broken and so, frankly, terrible that they are no improvement over nothing, this is fine.It's not ideal because it's harder without adults who love you more than they love themselves. But harder is just harder, that's all.

~ Augusten Burroughs

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

~ Augusten Burroughs

Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth

~ Augusten Burroughs

Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.

~ Augusten Burroughs