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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

~ Mae West

Mae West Humor Life

Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.

~ Françoise Sagan

Françoise Sagan Cars Happiness Humor Money

Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.

~ Robert A. Heinlein

Robert A. Heinlein Computers Humor Sex Technology Technophobes Wit

Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us.

~ Jean Rostand

Jean Rostand Humor Life Truth

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

~ Jane Austen

Jane Austen Humor Love Romantic Women

Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.

~ J.r. Ward

J.r. Ward Humor Jealousy Love

I'm saying that I'm a moody, insecure, narrow-minded, jealous, borderline homicidal bitch, and I want you to promise me that you're okay with that, because it's who I am, and you're what I need.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Jeaniene Frost Humor Love

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.

~ Lemony Snicket

Lemony Snicket Babies Change Humor Love Parents

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

~ Charles M. Schulz

Charles M. Schulz Humor Love

If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

Chuck Palahniuk Humor Love

And next time you're planning to injure yourself to get me attention, just remember that a little sweet talk works wonders.

~ Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare Clary Clary And Jace Humor Jace Jace And Clary Love

Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.

~ William Goldman

William Goldman Absurd Beauty Conceit Humor Love

Oh no. Don't smile. You'll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.

~ Tessa Dare

Tessa Dare Breathing Desire Humor Love Romance Smile Tease

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.

~ Jess C. Scott

Jess C. Scott Desire Funny Honesty Humor Humour Love Lust Passion Relationships Romance Sex Truth Wisdom Young Young Adult Young Adults Youth

Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.

~ Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga Brick Dead House Humor Lady Gaga Love

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

P.g. Wodehouse Humor Love

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

~ Jess C. Scott

Jess C. Scott Beauty Body Body Image Culture Dance Dancer Desire Fashion Fitness Food Food For Thought Friendship Funny Girl Health Healthy Hip Hop Honesty Humor Humour Imagination Individuality Life Love Lust For Life Music Novel Passion Reality Relationships Self Sex Truth Wisdom Young Young Adult Young Adult Fiction Young Adult Literature Young Adult Novels Young Adults Youth

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

~ Jess C. Scott

Jess C. Scott Body Cool Desire Erotic Erotica Funny Girl Honesty Humor Humour Incest Love Lust Passion Relationships Romance Sex Sexuality Sister Taboo Truth Wisdom

Isn't it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle--it suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key. It's not an act of bitterness. It's an act if self-preservation. It's not always a bad idea to stay behind the window and look out at life instead, is it?

~ Ally Condie

Ally Condie Allyson Braithwaite Condie Box Breakup Church Day First Humor Lockup Love Memories Novel Pain Religion Romance

Who knows how to make love stay?1. Tell love you are going to Junior's Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if loves stays, it can have half. It will stay.2. Tell love you want a momento of it and obtain a lock of its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a moustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay.3. Wake love up in the middle of the night. Tell it the world is on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that everything is going to be all right. Fall asleep. Love will be there in the morning.

~ Tom Robbins

Tom Robbins Humor Love

One should always be in love. That's the reason one should never marry.

~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde Humor Love Marriage

Ronan said, I'm always straight.Adam replied Oh, man, that's the biggest lie you've ever told.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Maggie Stiefvater Humor Lies Love

V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.

~ Jess C. Scott

Jess C. Scott Body Books Cool Culture Desire Emotion Friendship Funny Girl Honesty Humor Humour Imagination Individuality Life Love Music Novel Passion Reality Relationships Romance Self Sex Technology Truth Wisdom Young Youth

I don't like it when I outweigh my men.

~ Patricia Briggs

Patricia Briggs Humor Love Women

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

~ Scott Dikkers

Scott Dikkers Adultery Humor Infidelity Love Relationships Romance Statistics Suspicion

Don't go looking for boys in the darkThey will say pretty things thenleave you with scars.Do go looking for boys in the parkFor that is where the true gentlemen are.

~ Anna Godbersen

Anna Godbersen Advice Gentlemen Humor Love Wisdom

You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much.

~ James Patterson

James Patterson Fang Humor Love Love Struck Max Maxride

The Queen's Pride was his ship, and he loved her. (That was the way his sentences always went: It is raining today and I love you. My cold is better and I love you. Say hello to Horse and I love you. Like that.)

~ William Goldman

William Goldman Fiction Humor Love

Would you mind repeating that? I'm afraid I might have lost my wits altogether and just hallucinated what I've longed to hear.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Jeaniene Frost Humor Love

My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.

~ Jess C. Scott

Jess C. Scott Body Books Cool Culture Desire Emotion Friendship Funny Girl Honesty Humor Humour Imagination Individuality Life Love Music Novel Passion Reality Relationships Romance Self Sex Technology Truth Wisdom Young Youth

Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?”“Are you calling me stupid?”“Yes, but in a more poetic way!”“Well, here’s a poem for you. Get lost!

~ Colleen Houck

Colleen Houck Humor Love Romance

I’m stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me.” I’m not hitting on you,” he protested.No?”Believe me, you’d know if I was hitting on you. You wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from succumbing to my charms.

~ Nicholas Sparks

Nicholas Sparks Flirting Humor Love

A girl can still admire, can’t she? Even those who can’t afford to go in the store can still window-shop. Right? Knowing he wasn’t for me didn’t mean I couldn’t covet the merchandise.

~ Colleen Houck

Colleen Houck Attractiveness Humor Love Male Beauty Romance Sex Appeal

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Dark Jar Tin Zoo Alibi Crazy Desire Funny Humor Husband Insane Justification Justify Love Murder Necessity Need Relationships Time Want Wife Woman Women Word Junkies Yearn

I love you and it's getting worse.

~ Joseph E. Morris

Joseph E. Morris Devotion Humor Love

How could I be sleeping with this particular man.... Surely only true love could justify my lack of taste.

~ Margaret Atwood

Margaret Atwood Humor Love Relationships

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

~ Matt Groening

Matt Groening Humor Love Metaphor Simpsons

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

~ Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Atheism Belief Damnation Death Eternal Suffering Forgiving Hell Humor Infinite Love Lord Love Message Options Question Suffering

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Dark Jar Tin Zoo Broken Deceit Deception Denial Deny Funny Honest Honesty Humor Illogical Illusion Lie Lie Detector Lies Life Love Machine Relationships Suspicion Women Word Junkies

I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.

~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde Humor Life Love Marriage
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