Humour Quotes

If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.

~ Johnny Depp

I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

~ Stephanie Lennox

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.

~ Jess C. Scott

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

~ Jess C. Scott

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

~ Jess C. Scott

V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.

~ Jess C. Scott

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

~ Marian Keyes

My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.

~ Jess C. Scott

Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.

~ Jess C. Scott

Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you would be a good sign, but in the real world, it isn't.

~ Nick Hornby

I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.

~ Jess C. Scott

Smirking, he says, Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.

~ Jenny Han

We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. -He's not just into you

~ Greg Behrendt

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

~ Woody Allen

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

~ Elbert Hubbard

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

~ C. Joybell C.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

~ Woody Allen

We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works.

~ Douglas Adams

We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!

~ Douglas Adams

You will suffer, son of Hades!’ What else is new? Nico thought.

~ Rick Riordan

Try patting them on the back or shoulder and telling them everything is going to be fine. Lots of times when girls cry, they don't want you to fix the problem, they just want to be consoled.

~ Kiera Cass

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, Boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says, Yeah, I know; and such small portions. Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

~ Woody Allen

I have written it before and am not ashamed to write it again. Without Wodehouse I am not sure that I would be a tenth of what I am today -- whatever that may be. In my teenage years, his writings awoke me to the possibilities of language. His rhythms, tropes, tricks and mannerisms are deep within me.But more than that, he taught me something about good nature. It is enough to be benign, to be gentle, to be funny, to be kind.

~ Stephen Fry

We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn't obey the rules.

~ Alan Bennett

People soon get tired of things that aren't boring, but not of what is boring.

~ Haruki Murakami

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

~ Karl Pilkington

Please, touch me, I pray.

~ Jess C. Scott

In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.

~ Roman Payne

A few years ago it dawned on me that everybody past a certain age ... pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives. They don't want to be who they are any more. They want out. This list includes Thurston Howell the Third, Ann-Margret, the cat members of Rent, Václav Havel, space shuttle astronauts and Snuffleupagus. It's universal.

~ Douglas Coupland

I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.

~ Terry Pratchett

Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail...

~ Sophie Kinsella

It may not feel too classy, begging just to eat But you know who does that?Lassie, and she always gets a treat So you wonder what your part is Because you're homeless and depressed But home is where the heart is So your real home's in your chest Everyone's a hero in their own way Everyone's got villains they must face They're not as cool as mine But folks you know it's fine to know your place Everyone's a hero in their own way In their own not-that-heroic way So I thank my girlfriend Penny Yeah, we totally had sex She showed me there's so many different muscles I can flex There's the deltoids of compassion, There's the abs of being kind It's not enough to bash in headsYou've got to bash in minds Everyone's a hero in their own way Everyone's got something they can do Get up go out and fly Especially that guy, he smells like poo Everyone's a hero in their own way You and you and mostly me and you I'm poverty's new sheriff And I'm bashing in the slums A hero doesn't care if you're a bunch of scary alcoholic bums Everybody! Everyone's a hero in their own way Everyone can blaze a hero's trail Don't worry if it's hard If you're not a friggin 'tard you will prevail Everyone's a hero in their own way Everyone's a hero in their...

~ Joss Whedon

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

~ Anne Frank

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

~ Douglas Adams

Headline? he asked.'Swing Set Needs Home,' I said.'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,' he said.'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,' I said.

~ John Green

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

~ George Carlin

The human body is the best work of art.

~ Jess C. Scott

I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

~ Aleister Crowley

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

~ George Carlin

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

~ Darynda Jones