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Humour Quotes

Humour quote from classy quote

FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

~ Stephen King

Stephen King Humor Humour Stephen King

I'm tired of this back-slappin' isn't humanity neat bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.

~ Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Humor Humour Misanthropy

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

~ Peter Ustinov

Peter Ustinov Culture Hell Humor Humour Stereotypes

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

~ Colleen Hoover

Colleen Hoover Humor Humour

Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.

~ George Saunders

George Saunders Humor Humour

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

~ Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Humor Humour Misanthropy Perspective

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Humor Humour

What ho! I said.What ho! said Motty.What ho! What ho!What ho! What ho! What ho!After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

P.g. Wodehouse Conversation Humor Humour

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Sherrilyn Kenyon Humor Humour

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

~ Diana Wynne Jones

Diana Wynne Jones Humor Humour Lying Salvation

Look! said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, Someone who cares!

~ Eoin Colfer

Eoin Colfer Artemis Fowl Foaly Humor Humour

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

~ Ron White

Ron White Humor Humour Self Knowledge

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

~ Dave Barry

Dave Barry Humor Humour

...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.

~ John Kennedy Toole

John Kennedy Toole Employment Humor Humour Work

An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea. Churchill's response, Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.

~ Winston S. Churchill

Winston S. Churchill Classic Insult Humor Humour Retort

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.

~ Lili St. Crow

Lili St. Crow Funny Funny As Hell Funny Quotes Funny Stuff Humor Humor Work Humorous Humour Wisdom Writer Writers Block Writers On Writing Writing Writing Philosophy

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.

~ Darynda Jones

Darynda Jones Humor Humour

You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.IT'S EDUCATIONAL.'What if she cuts herself?'THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Children Death Discworld Hogfather Humor Humour Important Lessons Lessons Swords

...There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.

~ Frantz Fanon

Frantz Fanon Humor Humour Idiots

Not going to walk me to the door? I asked, pretending to be shocked at his lack of gallantry.Of course I am. many would think that a bonny lass such as yerself wouldst be able to stay out of trouble for a distance of fifteen feet, but I know better.Did you just use the words yerself and wouldst in the same sentence? You can't be a pirate and a courtier at the same time, Dev. It just isn't done.

~ Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Jennifer Lynn Barnes Banter Humor Humour

Rose took my nose, I suppose,” he repeated; the bubble of phlegm in his throat made a disgusting crackle. “And it really blows.

~ James Dashner

James Dashner Cranks Humor Humour Rose Took My Nose The Scorch Trials

That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!

~ Gemma Halliday

Gemma Halliday Humor Humour

This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger on the inside, but with nothing in it. You could drop a pebble in my brain and wait for an hour to hear it land. No actually, you couldn't - that would be aggressive and unhelpful, so keep your damn pebbles to yourself.

~ Steven Moffat

Steven Moffat Doctor Who Humor Humour Magazine Pebbles Train Writing

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell

~ Philip Henry Sheridan

Philip Henry Sheridan Civil War Hell Humor Humour Philip H Sheridan Texas Union

Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.

~ Darynda Jones

Darynda Jones Humor Humour

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Friedrich Nietzsche Humor Humour Jokes

It smells terrible in here.'Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere of this room rather comforting. Schiller needed the scent of apples rotting in his desk in order to write. I, too, have my needs. You may remember that Mark Twain preferred to lie supinely in bed while composing those rather dated and boring efforts which contemporary scholars try to prove meaningful. Veneration of Mark Twain is one of the roots of our current intellectual stalemate.

~ John Kennedy Toole

John Kennedy Toole Humor Humour Odors Smells Stink Writing

Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.

~ Shelly Laurenston

Shelly Laurenston Funny Humor Humour

No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

E.a. Bucchianeri Computer Computer Hackers Computers Funny Geek Geek Humor Humor Humour Nerd Nerd Humor Nerds Revenge Vengeance

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

~ Samuel Johnson

Samuel Johnson Humor Humour Mankind Misanthropy

When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.

~ Graham Chapman

Graham Chapman Humor Humour Sir Robin

Fine, but if you get yourself killed I reserve the right to flush your ashes down the toilet while I sing the theme from Titanic.

~ Quinn Loftis

Quinn Loftis Humor Humour

They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

~ Sophie Kinsella

Sophie Kinsella Funny Humor Humour Shopping

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.

~ Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Humour Philosophy

I don't deserve a soul, yet I still have one. I know because it hurts.

~ Douglas Coupland

Douglas Coupland Humour Philosophy Religion Soul

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

~ George Orwell

George Orwell Goodness Human Nature Humour Philosophy

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

~ Socrates

Socrates Happiness Humour Marriage Philosophy

Rockabye Baby, in the treetopDont you know a treetopis no safe place to rock?And who put you up there,and your cradle too?Baby,I think someone down herehas got it in for you!

~ Shel Silverstein

Shel Silverstein Baby Humour Nursery Rhyme Philosophy

YOU are the big drop of dew under the lotus leaf, I am the smaller one on its upper side,'said the dewdrop to the lake.

~ Rabindranath Tagore

Rabindranath Tagore Humor Humour Inspirational Philosophy Stray Birds

Do you know what I think about crying? I think some people have to learn to do it. But once you learn, once you know how to really cry, there's nothing quite like it. I feel sorry for those who don't know the trick. It's like whistling or singing.

~ Anne Rice

Anne Rice Humour Inspirational Philosophy Writing
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