Classic Insult Quotes

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

~ Mark Twain

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

~ Dorothy Parker

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

~ Dorothy Parker

Every instinct that is found in any man is in all men. The strength of the emotion may not be so overpowering, the barriers against possession not so insurmountable, the urge to accomplish the desire less keen. With some, inhibitions and urges may be neutralized by other tendencies. But with every being the primal emotions are there. All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike some one they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

~ Clarence Darrow

An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea. Churchill's response, Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.

~ Winston S. Churchill

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

~ Dorothy Parker

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

~ Dorothy Parker

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.

~ Moses Hadas

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.

~ Billy Wilder

To speak much is one thing, to speak to the point another!

~ Sophocles

DESDEMONA: I hope my noble lord esteems me honest.OTHELLO: Oh, ay, as summer flies are in the shambles,That quicken even with blowing. O thou weed,Who art so lovely fair and smell’st so sweetThat the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne'er been born!DESDEMONA: Alas, what ignorant sin have I committed?OTHELLO: Was this fair paper, this most goodly book,Made to write “whore” upon?

~ William Shakespeare

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets.

~ William Shakespeare

A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.

~ Winston S. Churchill