Comedy Quotes

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

~ Dr. Seuss

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

~ Horace Walpole

Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.

~ Jean Racine

Life is a drama full of tragedy and comedy. You should learn to enjoy the comic episodes a little more.

~ Jeannette Walls

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.

~ Eric Idle

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

~ Lewis Black

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

~ Erma Bombeck

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

~ Steve Martin

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

~ Mel Brooks

You think I'd cheat on you? I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.

~ Lisa Kleypas

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

~ Steve Martin

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

~ Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

~ Chelsea Handler

Miss Butterworth and the Mad Baron,” Sebastian said approvingly. “Excellent choice.”“You have read this?” Alexei asked.“It’s not as good as Miss Davenport and the Dark Marquis, of course, but worlds better than Miss Sainsbury and the Mysterious Colonel.”Harry found himself rendered speechless.“I’m reading Miss Truesdale and the Silent Gentleman right now.”“Silent?” Harry echoed.“There is a noticeable lack of dialogue,” Sebastian confirmed.

~ Julia Quinn

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

~ Shannon L. Alder

As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it.

~ Lao Tzu

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

~ Bill Hicks

The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.

~ Graham Parke

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

~ George Carlin

If you cannot find an element of Humour in something, your not taking it seriously enough.

~ Ilyas Kassam

If those at your top are weak, your bottom will be rotten

~ Benny Bellamacina

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways. ~ Amunhotep El Bey

~ Amunhotep El Bey

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.

~ Criss Jami

You want me to pin my entire operation, the entire revolution on some teenaged love story? I can't believe this.

~ Victoria Aveyard

They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.

~ Lewis Black

There is no greater power than that of a laugh and happiness is a force which can save a person from the horrors of the world.

~ Hillary Depiano

Come here, let me share a bit of wisdom with you.Have you given much thought to our mortal condition?Probably not. Why would you? Well, listen.There's no one alivewho can say if he will be tomorrow.Our fate moves invisibly! A mystery.No one can teach it, no one can grasp it.Accept this! Cheer up! Have a drink!You can let the rest go. Am I making sense?I think so. How about a drink.Put on a garland. I'm surethe happy splash of wine will cure your mood.We're all mortal you know. Think mortal.Because my theory is, there's no such thing as life

~ Anne Carson

He shook his head. The next time I hear a women going on about how neurotic men are, I'm going to remember this. You tell me you like my body, and what do I say? I say, thank you. Then I tell you I like yours and what do I hear? A long lists of grievances.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

She threw up her hands. All right. Why not? Why not? Sure. His arms fell to his sides. That's it? I pour my heart out. I love you so much I've got freakin' tears in my eyes. And all I get in return is 'Why not'? What did you expect? Am I supposed to fall all over you just because you've finally come to your senses? Would it be too much to ask?...He'd begun to glare at her again, his eyes growing stormier by the minute.When do you think you might be ready? To fall all over me, that is.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Now, this is where I draw the line! It's bad enough everybody in town's going to be thinkin' I'm sleeping with a depressed, lice-ridden, hemorrhoidal foreigner who likes to be tied up and might be pregnant, although-since she's just about cornered the market on condoms-I don't know how that could have happened. But I will not-you listen to me, Emma!-I absolutely will not have anybody thinkin' a woman of mine needs a vaginal moisturizer, do you hear me?

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Tsuyokini,honkiMutekini,sutekiGenki,yuuki!--Kusakabe Maron

~ Arina Tanemura

And then to Leo’s surprise, Catherine smiled at him. A sweet, natural, brilliant smile, the first she had ever given him. Leo felt his chest tighten, and he went hot all over, as if some euphoric drug had gone straight to his nervous system.It felt like … happiness.He remembered happiness from a long time ago. He didn’t want to feel it. And yet the giddy warmth kept washing over him for no reason whatsoever.“Thank you,” Catherine said, the smile still hovering on her lips. “That is kind of you, my lord. But I will never dance with you.”Which, of course, made it the goal of Leo’s life.

~ Lisa Kleypas

So you want me to go to a human orgy, where I will not be welcome, and you want us to leave before I get to enjoy myself? ~Eric Northman

~ Charlaine Harris

If you don't want to tear off the clothes of the person you're on a date with and jump into bed with them, then what's the point? I'd never date; instead, I'd have lots of good friends and hug them a lot and life would be easier and neater and uncomplicated.

~ Rachel Machacek

Recent studies have shown that approximately 40% of authors are manic depressive. The rest of us just drink.

~ Melodie Campbell

I could shove this swizzle stick through his heart, Min thought. She wouldn’t do it, of course. The stick was plastic and not nearly pointed enough on the end. Also people didn’t do things like that in Southern Ohio. A sawed-off shotgun, that was the ticket.

~ Jennifer Crusie

Never let other people bring you down let Jesus be the one who brings you down, because he knows what he is doing

~ Skye Daphne

Gabrielle chuckled, her dark eyes twinkling. “So he’s been after you, has he? Poor Etta, pursued by a sun priest offering to pleasure—” “Every nook and cranny,” Marietta interrupted dryly and Gabrielle tipped her head back with a throaty laugh.

~ Michelle O'leary

This is my heart on CRACK. Robin when she sees Creek

~ Diane J. Reed

I noticed Xander had subtly adjusted his posture. He slouched slightly to the side, let his head hang, and then looked up through his bangs to gaze at something in the middle distance. Uber James Dean. Xander managed to pull it off as if he was looking at nothing, just having deep thoughts about the far away adventures he would be having if he wasn’t stuck waiting for a flowered suitcase at Hopkins International. I casually let my eyes slide across the room. There had to be cute girls somewhere close at hand. Otherwise Xander wouldn’t have broken out his middle distance gazing Tyrone Power eyes.

~ Adrianne Ambrose