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Erma Bombeck Quotes

Erma Bombeck quote from classy quote

When your mother asks, Do you want a piece of advice? it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Family Humor Mothers

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Comedy Humor Hurt Laughter Pain Tragedy

Housework can kill you if done right.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Chores Housekeeping Humor

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Fashion Humor

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Humor Spontaneity Surprise

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Humor Mothers

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Amusing Funny Humor

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Civilization Humor Society

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Afterlife God Heaven Judgement Talent

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Age Marriage Relationships

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Friendship Funny

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Bravery Courage Dreams Openness Self Disclosure Sharing

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Cleaning Housework Humour

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Children Family Parenting

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Beds Family Housekeeping Mothers

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Children Erma Bombeck Humor Outfits

Girls mature faster than boys, cost more to raise, and statistics show that the old saw about girls not knowing about money and figures is a myth. Girls start to outspend boys before puberty—and they manage to maintain this lead until death or an ugly credit manager, whichever comes first. Males are born with a closed fist. Girls are born with the left hand cramped in a position the size of an American Express card. Whenever a girl sees a sign reading, “Sale, Going Out of Business, Liquidation,” saliva begins to form in her mouth, the palms of her hands perspire and the pituitary gland says, “Go, Mama.” In the male, it is quite a different story. He has a gland that follows a muscle from the right arm down to the base of his billfold pocket. It's called “cheap.” Girls can slam a door louder, beg longer, turn tears on and off like a faucet, and invented the term, “You don't trust me.” So much for “sugar and spice and everything nice” and “snips and snails and puppydog tails.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Children Girls Motherhood Parenting Raising

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Football Men Sports Television

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Airports Luggage Travel

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Advice Birth Car Teenagers

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Carpe Diem Food Titanic

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Food Shopping

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Food Holidays Thanksgiving

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck America Independence Independence Day July 4 Patriotism

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Guilt Life

Laugh now, cry later.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Crying Laughter Tears

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Beaches Humor Saltwater Sand Sun

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Boxes Cardboard Gifts Mothers Recycling

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country the American dollar will fall like a stone.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Cities Travel

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Men Women

My mother phones daily to ask Did you just try to reach me? When I reply no she adds So if you're not too busy call me while I'm still alive . . . and hangs up.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Mothers Fathers

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Self Control

I am not a glutton-I am an explorer of food.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Self Knowledge

There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say Yes I've got dreams of course I've got dreams. Then they put the box away and bring it out once in a while to look in it and yep they're still there. These are great dreams but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line to hold them up and say How good or how bad am I? That's where courage comes in.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Women S Movement

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Life God Me

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Morning Child World

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck School High School Reunion

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Age Dog Lift

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Food Politics Religion

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Food Gravy Where
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