Erma Bombeck Quotes

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

~ Erma Bombeck

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

~ Erma Bombeck

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

~ Erma Bombeck

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

~ Erma Bombeck

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

~ Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

~ Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

~ Erma Bombeck

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

~ Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

~ Erma Bombeck

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

~ Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.

~ Erma Bombeck

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

~ Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

~ Erma Bombeck

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

~ Erma Bombeck

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

~ Erma Bombeck

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

~ Erma Bombeck

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

~ Erma Bombeck

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

~ Erma Bombeck

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

~ Erma Bombeck

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

~ Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

~ Erma Bombeck

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

~ Erma Bombeck