Comedy Quotes

When it's sunny, why not spend some time dressing up and go out to have a walk!

~ Tachibana Higuchi

She was a ray of sunshine, a warm summer rain, a bright fire on a cold winter’s day, and now she could be dead because she had tried to save the man she loved.

~ Grace Willows

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Oh honey, someday a real man is going to make you see stars and you won't even be looking at the sky. Excerpt from Grace Willow's Last Minute Bride

~ Grace Willows

You are enough to drive a saint to madness or a king to his knees.

~ Grace Willows

You are enough to drive a saint to madness or a king to his kneesExcerpt from To Kiss a King by Grace WillowsComing this summer to Amazon Kindle and paperback.

~ Grace Willows

(On his gravestone): I told you I was ill.

~ Spike Milligan

Cause if you shoot a bullet someone dies. If you drop a bomb many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But if you say the F-word... nothing actually happens.

~ Richard Curtis

When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died.

~ Steve Allen

Comedy is a necessity to get through life with the fewest scars. Humor is the best antidote to help relieve all struggles.

~ Suzy Kassem

Where have all the Fembots gone?

~ Ren Garcia

People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Fashion doesn't make you perfect, but it makes you pretty.

~ Amit Kalantri

Dresses won't worn out in the wardrobe, but that is not what dresses are designed for.

~ Amit Kalantri

Dresses don't look beautiful on hangers.

~ Amit Kalantri

It's time to shop high heels if your fiance kisses you on the forehead.

~ Amit Kalantri

Hands can cook, hands can create, hands can kill. There is no better tool than our hands.

~ Amit Kalantri

Take care of your costume and your confidence will take care of itself.

~ Amit Kalantri

With right fashion, every female would be a flame.

~ Amit Kalantri

Any girl with a grin never looks grim.

~ Amit Kalantri

An old fashioned outfit is not a costume, it's a comedy.

~ Amit Kalantri

I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it

~ Terry Lander

I put a chameleon on a red dildo... He blushed

~ Bo Burnham

Love is as we will it to be. ~ Amunhotep El Bey

~ Amunhotep El Bey

Poetry is only the highest eloquence of passion, the most vivid form of expression that can be given to our conception of anything, whether pleasurable or painful, mean or dignified, delightful or distressing. It is the perfect coincidence of the image and the words with the feeling we have, and of which we cannot get rid in any other way, that gives an instant satisfaction to the thought. This is equally the origin of wit and fancy, of comedy and tragedy, of the sublime and pathetic.

~ William Hazlitt

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

~ Craig Ferguson

When I was in my single digits, I was subjected to the worst torture you can possibly inflict on a child: Catholic mass.

~ Tyler Oakley

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!

~ Kathy Griffin

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

~ Ricky Gervais

An enthusiastic person who is very logical with his or her own thinking process, he or she can eventually express his or her thought with delight and humor to educate and entertain his or her audiences.

~ Saaif Alam

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

~ Lenny Bruce

It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.

~ Philip K. Dick

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

~ Brett Tate

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

~ Lewis Black

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after I love you... or You're going to live... or It's a boy!

~ Demetri Martin

Who are you and how did you get in here? I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

~ Leslie Nielsen

-He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful.-It was stupid.

~ Lloyd Alexander

The girl says Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a whore! Which is true, Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. Don't even forget it. But ladies, you must understand that is fucking confusing. It just is. Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle, the comedian, walking down the street in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me saying, Oh, thank God. Officer, help us! Come on. They're over here. Help us! Oh-hoh! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a police officer! See what I mean? All right, ladies, fine. You are not a whore. But you are wearing a whore's uniform.

~ Dave Chappelle

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

~ Bill Maher

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. I have to go.You just got here.Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.You're making that up.I'm not.So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?

~ Rick Riordan

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

~ Demetri Martin

Comedy quote from classy quote