Craig Ferguson Quotes

The Universe is very, very big.It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.

~ Craig Ferguson

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

~ Craig Ferguson

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

~ Craig Ferguson

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.

~ Craig Ferguson

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.I do have a knack for finding great women.

~ Craig Ferguson

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.

~ Craig Ferguson

Ros was dead.He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining, he was the first of my friends to fall.

~ Craig Ferguson

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

~ Craig Ferguson

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

~ Craig Ferguson

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

~ Craig Ferguson

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

~ Craig Ferguson

He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.

~ Craig Ferguson

Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled.

~ Craig Ferguson

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic—I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.

~ Craig Ferguson

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

~ Craig Ferguson

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

~ Craig Ferguson

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.

~ Craig Ferguson

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

~ Craig Ferguson

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

~ Craig Ferguson

I took the sleeper out of Glasgow, and as the smelly old train bumped out of Central Station and across the Jamaica Street Bridge, I stared out at the orange halogen streetlamps reflected in the black water of the river Clyde. I gazed at the crumbling Victorian buildings that would soon be sandblasted and renovated into yuppie hutches. I watched the revelers and rascals traverse the shiny wet streets. I thought of the thrill and danger of my youth and the fear and frustration of my adult life thus far. I thought of the failure of my marriage and my failures as a man. I saw all this through my reflection in the nighttime window. Down the tracks I went, hardly aware that I was going further south with every passing second.

~ Craig Ferguson

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

~ Craig Ferguson

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

~ Craig Ferguson

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.

~ Craig Ferguson

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

~ Craig Ferguson

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

~ Craig Ferguson

Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long dayAnd you've got the sandman at your door. But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway.Its ok. You can always sleep through work tomorrow. Ok?Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.Tell the clock on the wall, Forget the wake up call.Cause the night's not nearly through.Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Give yourself a surprise.Let your worries wait another day.And if you stay too late at the bar,At least you made it out this far. So make up your mind and say, Let's do it anyway!Its OkYou can always sleep through work tomorrow, ok? Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday. Life's too short to worry about the things that you can live withoutAnd I regret to say, the morning light is hours away.The world can be such a fright, But it belongs to us tonight.What's the point of going to bed?You look so lovely when your eyes are red.Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

~ Craig Ferguson

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

~ Craig Ferguson

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

~ Craig Ferguson

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.

~ Craig Ferguson

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.

~ Craig Ferguson

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

~ Craig Ferguson

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.

~ Craig Ferguson

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

~ Craig Ferguson

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

~ Craig Ferguson

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

~ Craig Ferguson

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

~ Craig Ferguson

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.

~ Craig Ferguson

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

~ Craig Ferguson

Hey dawg, wassup? he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment.

~ Craig Ferguson

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know

~ Craig Ferguson