Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.Infallibility is a sin in any man.All laws can be broken and are.Often.
~ Craig Ferguson
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.
Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.
There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.
Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) “Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?
The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas, a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.
I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.
He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.
You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.
Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those-maybe everyone-who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something-innocence of hell. Acid presses a little button in your mind that should never be pressed
I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It was time to jettison the past before the present jettisoned me. This was my first veiled attempt at recovery. Although perhaps I was just running away again. I returned to Glasgow, planning to say a final goodbye to Anne and get out of her life, but ended up drinking with buddies in the Chip Bar and never seeing her. I called her instead to say I was moving to London and told her she could have the house and everything else we owned, which wasn't much. I think she was as relieved as I was that I was leaving town for good.
Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.
Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent....We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years.
I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.
Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation.
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.
It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?
My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.
I realized women and humor were linked very closely.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.
