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Comedian Quotes

Comedian quote from classy quote

Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough...I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you.

~ Louis C.k.

Louis C.k. Comedian Louis Ck Love Romance Unrequited Love

My ship came in,then it sank!

~ Brian T. Shirley

Brian T. Shirley Comedian Humor Philosopher Philosophy

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.

~ Criss Jami

Criss Jami Authority Challenging Challenging Authority Comedian Comedic Comedy Deeper Thought Funny Funny But True Humor Leadership Philosopher Philosophy Reconsideration Rethinking Reversal Reverse Sense Of Humor Taught Teaching Thinking Thought

People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Mokokoma Mokhonoana Ability Able Aphorism Aphorisms Bless Blessed Blessing Blessings Comedian Comedians Comedy Comic Comics Compensate Compensation Gift Gifted Gifts Humor Humour Insight Insightful Insights Intellect Intellectual Intellectuals Intelligent Profound Quotation Quotations Quote Quotes Satire Talent Talented Talents Unable Untalented Wisdom Wise

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after I love you... or You're going to live... or It's a boy!

~ Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Comedian Comedy Equivocation Funny Humor

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

~ Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Comedian Comedy Demetri Martin Fly Funny Humor Ironic Roommates

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.

~ Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Comedian Funny Humor Humorous

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.

~ Criss Jami

Criss Jami Art Artist Caricature Character Comedian Comedy Difficulty Discernment Drawing Friends Friendship Funny Funny People Humor Laughter Mask Painting Personality Satire Sketch Trait Understanding

You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you’re smart, you’ll end up as a comedian. If you’re not, you’ll end up as a clown.

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Ljupka Cvetanova Aphorism Aphorisms Clever Clown Clown Quotes Comedian End Up Fun Funny Humour Ironically Irony Make Fun Of People Quote Quotes Sarcasam Sarcastic Smart Stupid Yourself

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

~ Bill Bailey

Bill Bailey 1998 Comedian Humour Is It Bill Bailey Tv

Every job from the heart is, ultimately, of equal value. The nurse injects the syringe; the writer slides the pen; the farmer plows the dirt; the comedian draws the laughter. Monetary income is the perfect deceiver of a man's true worth.

~ Criss Jami

Criss Jami Bigger Picture Career Comedian Equality Farmer Hard Work Income Labor Meaning Money Nurse Occupation Self Worth Value Work Worth Writer

The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever seems likelier to win an effect.

~ John Updike

John Updike 1960 Belief Comedian Humor Humorist Insincerity Truth

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

~ A. Whitney Brown

A. Whitney Brown Comedian Failure Humor Laughter

A comedian is better than a politician, at least there is no doubt.

~ Bangambiki Habyarimana

Bangambiki Habyarimana Comedian Comedians Humor Books Humor Quotes Humorist Humorous Humorous Quotations Humorous Quotes Lies Politics Political Political Correctness Political Philosophy Politicians Politics

As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Michael Bassey Johnson Applause Comedian Comedy Exaggeration Gag Humor Humorous Humour Lovesick Madness Michael Bassey Johnson Praise

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

~ Simon Ewins

Simon Ewins Comedian Funny Humorous Lies

An assumption is the joke, truth the punchline.

~ Criss Jami

Criss Jami Assumptions Comedian Comedy Discernment Feelings Funny Funny But True Guess Humor Hypothesis Intelligence Intuition Joke Judgment Knowledge Prejudgment Punch Line Punchline Satire Shock Surprise Truth Unpredictable Wisdom

If you pray for rain long enough, it eventually does fall. If you pray for floodwaters to abate, they eventually do. The same happens in the absence of prayers.

~ Steve Allen

Steve Allen Comedian Television Host Writer

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

~ Steven Wright

Steven Wright Comedian Comedy Plagiarism

Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended.

~ Criss Jami

Criss Jami Comedian Comedy Emotional Humor Intellectual Jokes Offensive

Theater owners dodged construction costs, cutting corners and employing nonunion labor. Shoddy methods caused the death of vaudeville comedian Rube Dickinson in Kansas City. Booked at a brand-new venue, Dickinson stepped outside to have a smoke and was standing underneath the large wooden marquee advertising him when it collapsed. As the marquee caved, so too did his head—killed under the weight of his own name.

~ Kliph Nesteroff

Kliph Nesteroff Comedian Comedy Death Kansas City Rube Dickinson Vaudeville

The Mob essentially created the term 'stand-up comic'—according to eighty-six-year-old comedian Dick Curtis: 'The Outfit used to manage fighters. A stand-up fighter is a guy that is a puncher. A stand-up guy was a guy who was tough and you could depend on. The Outfit managed fighters and they managed clubs that booked comics, so the term found its way into the lexicon of nightclubs. A guy who just stood there and punched jokes—joke, joke, joke—he was a stand-up comic.

~ Kliph Nesteroff

Kliph Nesteroff Comedian Comedy Dick Curtis Gangsters Mob Mobsters Stand Up Comedy

Every night was improv.

~ Kliph Nesteroff

Kliph Nesteroff Comedian Comedy Improv Improvisation

No small part of the club's audience consisted of would-be comics, as well as the leading comics of the day. In fact, there were so many gagsters around that it was difficult to know who was part of the act and who was just sitting in.

~ Kliph Nesteroff

Kliph Nesteroff Comedian Comedians Comedy Stand Up Comedy

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker

~ Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis Comedian Comedy

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping?

~ Lisa Papademetriou

Lisa Papademetriou Comedian Comedy Funny Humor Quirky

Laughter is a tangible evidence of hope.

~ Michael Jr.

Michael Jr. Comedian Evidence Hope Laugh Laughing Laughter Michael Jr Tangible

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

~ John Oliver

John Oliver Comedian Hilarious

The comedian sticks as religiously to her theme as a dancer sticks to a diet.

~ Jo Brand

Jo Brand Her Theme Comedian
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