It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.