It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
~ Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
