Steven Wright Quotes

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

~ Steven Wright

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

~ Steven Wright

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

~ Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

~ Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

~ Steven Wright

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

~ Steven Wright

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

~ Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?

~ Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

~ Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

~ Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

~ Steven Wright

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

~ Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

~ Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

~ Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

~ Steven Wright

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

~ Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

~ Steven Wright

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

~ Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

~ Steven Wright

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

~ Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

~ Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?

~ Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

~ Steven Wright

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

~ Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

~ Steven Wright

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

~ Steven Wright

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

~ Steven Wright

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

~ Steven Wright

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

~ Steven Wright

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

~ Steven Wright

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

~ Steven Wright

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

~ Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

~ Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

~ Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

~ Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

~ Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

~ Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

~ Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

~ Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

~ Steven Wright