Absurd Quotes

Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.

~ William Goldman

My love is pizza shaped. Won’t you have a slice? It’s circular, so there’s enough to go around.


~ Dora J. Arod

My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.

~ Dora J. Arod

What is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying.

~ Albert Camus

Beauty is a whore, I like money better.

~ Michael Cunningham

When all else fails, there's always delusion.

~ Conan O'brien

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

~ Woody Allen

Applaud my idiocy.

~ Conan O'brien

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

~ Woody Allen

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

~ Garrison Keillor

No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know! the man yelled. Really? said Vimes. What's the orbital velocity of the moon?What?Oh, you'd like something simpler?

~ Terry Pratchett

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

~ Woody Allen

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

~ Jon Stewart

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

~ Woody Allen

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

~ Steven Wright

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

~ Steven Wright

Everything not forbidden is compulsory

~ T.h. White

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

~ Steven Wright

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

~ Shannon L. Alder

To stay or to go, it amounted to the same thing.

~ Albert Camus

Absurdity is the ecstasy of intellectualism.

~ Criss Jami

Seeking what is true is not seeking what is desirable.

~ Albert Camus

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.

~ Niels Bohr

BERENGER: And you consider all this natural? 

DUDARD: What could be more natural than a rhinoceros? 

BERENGER: Yes, but for a man to turn into a rhinoceros is abnormal beyond question. 

DUDARD: Well, of course, that's a matter of opinion ... 

BERENGER: It is beyond question, absolutely beyond question! 
DUDARD: You seem very sure of yourself. Who can say where the normal stops and the abnormal begins? Can you personally define these conceptions of normality and abnormality? Nobody has solved this problem yet, either medically or philosophically. You ought to know that. 

BERENGER: The problem may not be resolved philosophically -- but in practice it's simple. They may prove there's no such thing as movement ... and then you start walking ... [he starts walking up and down the room] ... and you go on walking, and you say to yourself, like Galileo, 'E pur si muove' ... 

DUDARD: You're getting things all mixed up! Don't confuse the issue. In Galileo's case it was the opposite: theoretic and scientific thought proving itself superior to mass opinion and dogmatism. 

BERENGER: [quite lost] What does all that mean? Mass opinion, dogmatism -- they're just words! I may be mixing everything up in my head but you're losing yours. You don't know what's normal and what isn't any more. I couldn't care less about Galileo ... I don't give a damn about Galileo. 

DUDARD: You brought him up in the first place and raised the whole question, saying that practice always had the last word. Maybe it does, but only when it proceeds from theory! The history of thought and science proves that. BERENGER: [more and more furious] It doesn't prove anything of the sort! It's all gibberish, utter lunacy! 

DUDARD: There again we need to define exactly what we mean by lunacy ... 

BERENGER: Lunacy is lunacy and that's all there is to it! Everybody knows what lunacy is. And what about the rhinoceroses -- are they practice or are they theory?

~ Eugène Ionesco

God is the supreme uncreated light of which Wisdom is born, but there was never a time when God's Wisdom did not exist.

~ Merritt Y. Hughes

If there’s one thing that’s irrefutably absurd, it’s believing that we can separate intelligence from wisdom and still have it be intelligence.

~ Craig D. Lounsbrough

If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.

~ Albert Einstein

A man devoid of hope and conscious of being so has ceased to belong to the future.

~ Albert Camus

Voodoo GirlHer skin is white cloth,and she's all sewn apartand she has many colored pinssticking out of her heart.She has many different zombieswho are deeply in her trance.She even has a zombiewho was originally from France.But she knows she has a curse on her,a curse she cannot win.For if someone getstoo close to her,the pins stick farther in.

~ Tim Burton

It takes a purely human courage to renounce the whole temporal realm in order to gain eternity, but this I do gain and in all eternity can never renounce—it is a self-contradiction. But it takes a paradoxical and humble courage to grasp the whole temporal realm now by virtue of the absurd, and this is the courage of faith.

~ Søren Kierkegaard

I smell blood and an era of prominent madmen.

~ W.h. Auden

You keep seeing your picture on posters that you are missing but you're not. That'd be weird, right? Or say you look down at the sidewalk and earthworms are spelling your name. Or you open a peanut bag and the 'hello' is written in your writing on the inside of the shell. Would that weird ya?

~ Lynda Barry

THE POLITICIANIf it wasn't for graft, you'd get a very low type of people in politics. Men without ambition. Jellyfish!CATHERINEEspecially since you can't rob the people anyway.THE POLITICIANSure...How was that?CATHERINEWhat you rob, you spend. And what you spend goes back to the people. So where's the robbery? I read that in one of my father's books.THE POLITICIANThat book should be in every home!

~ Preston Sturges

The teacher took two long strides and stood beside Parker’s desk. Before the boy could speak, Mr. Earl threw the desktop open. For a second, he stared into it. A white glow reflected off his face.“What is this?” he said, as he reached toward the brightness. “Careful, Mr. Earl,” Parker started to say, but it was too late.The teacher screeched before lurching against the desk. He went down quickly, his feet vanishing into the desk last.

~ James Van Pelt

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

~ Jon Stewart

The phrase ‘popular science’ has in itself a touch of absurdity. That knowledge which is popular is not scientific.

~ Maria Mitchell

No people find each other more absurd than lovers

~ C.s. Lewis

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....

~ Josh Stern

I've knitted myself a hat, it's plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it's spring. I put it on and feel like a cranberry in the snow, and I wonder if they can see me from the moon. Me and the Great Wall.

~ Kjersti Annesdatter Skomsvold

To understand this new frontier, I will have to try to master one of the most difficult and counterintuitive theories ever recorded in the annals of science: quantum physics. Listen to those who have spent their lives immersed in this world and you will have a sense of the challenge we face. After making his groundbreaking discoveries in quantum physics, Werner Heisenberg recalled, I repeated to myself again and again the question: Can nature possibly be so absurd as it seemed to us in these atomic experiments? Einstein declared after one discovery, If it is correct it signifies the end of science. Schrödinger was so shocked by the implications of what he'd cooked up that he admitted, I do not like it and I am sorry I had anything to do with it. Nevertheless, quantum physics is now one of the most powerful and well-tested pieces of science on the books. Nothing has come close to pushing it off its pedestal as one of the great scientific achievements of the last century. So there is nothing to do but to dive headfirst into this uncertain world. Feynman has some good advice for me as I embark on my quest: I am going to tell you what nature behaves like. If you will simply admit that maybe she does behave like this, you will find her a delightful, entrancing thing. Do not keep saying to yourself, if you can possibly avoid it, 'But how can it be like that?' because you will get 'down the drain,' into a blind alley from which nobody has yet escaped. Nobody knows how it can be like that.

~ Marcus Du Sautoy