Jon Stewart Quotes

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

~ Jon Stewart

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

~ Jon Stewart

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

~ Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

~ Jon Stewart

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

~ Jon Stewart

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

~ Jon Stewart

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.

~ Jon Stewart

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

~ Jon Stewart

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

~ Jon Stewart

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

~ Jon Stewart

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

~ Jon Stewart

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

~ Jon Stewart

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

~ Jon Stewart

Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.[Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]

~ Jon Stewart

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

~ Jon Stewart

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

~ Jon Stewart

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

~ Jon Stewart

No one is better at not beating America than England.

~ Jon Stewart

It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

~ Jon Stewart

Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.

~ Jon Stewart

Evil is relatively rare, ignorance is epidemic.

~ Jon Stewart

As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians. (Earth (The Book), p. 36)

~ Jon Stewart

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!

~ Jon Stewart

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now.

~ Jon Stewart

As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death -- all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself. But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign countries still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them.

~ Jon Stewart

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

~ Jon Stewart

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

~ Jon Stewart

Race is there. You're tire of hearing about it? Imagine how fucking exhausting it is living it.

~ Jon Stewart

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.

~ Jon Stewart

Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.

~ Jon Stewart

And this, this, is their genius. Conservatives are not looking to make education more rigorous and informative, or science more empirical or verifiable, or voting more representative, or the government more efficient or effective. They just want all those things to reinforce their partisan, ideological, conservative viewpoint.

~ Jon Stewart

[Hearing] was distinct from listening, which could only be achieved when hearing was combined with giving a shit.

~ Jon Stewart

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

~ Jon Stewart

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

~ Jon Stewart

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

~ Jon Stewart

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

~ Jon Stewart