Garrison Keillor Quotes

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

~ Garrison Keillor

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

~ Garrison Keillor

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

~ Garrison Keillor

I can see how I could write a bold account of myself as a passionate man who rose from humble beginnings to cut a wide swath in the world, whose crimes along the way might be written off to extravagance and love and art, and could even almost believe some of it myself on certain days after the sun went down if I’d had a snort or two and was in Los Angeles and it was February and I was twenty-four, but I find a truer account in the Herald-Star, where it says: “Mr. Gary Keillor visited at the home of Al and Florence Crandall on Monday and after lunch returned to St. Paul, where he is currently employed in the radio show business… Lunch was fried chicken with gravy and creamed peas”.

~ Garrison Keillor

And then I stand in front of God's Throne squinting up at His blazing glory and He says, 'You had your opportunities, boy. But did you listen? No. You went on heedlesly reading that garbagey magazine with pictures of naked girls in it. How juvenile! I gave geese more sense than that.'Please, God. I'm only fourteen years old. A teenager. Have mercy. Be loving.I was,' says God. 'For eons. And look at what it got me. You.'God turns in disgust, just the way Daddy does. 'Sorry, but I'm the Creator. I take it personally. There are slugs and bugs and night-crawlers I feel better about having created - I mean, there are sparrows - I've got my eye on one right now. Is that sparrow consumed with lust? No. He mates in the spring and that's the end of it. Consider the lilies. Do they think about lily tits all the time? No. They look not and they lust not, and yet I say unto you that you will never be half as attractive as they. Therefore, I say unto you, think not about peckers and boobs and all that nonsense and your Heavenly Father will see that you meet a good woman and marry her, just as I do for the sparrow and walleye - yea verily, even the night-crawler and the eelpout. But I've told you this over and over for nineteen centuries. And now, verily, it's too late. Time's up, buster. Lights out! Game's over!

~ Garrison Keillor

When you wage war on the public schools, you're attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You're not a conservative, you're a vandal.

~ Garrison Keillor

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about.

~ Garrison Keillor

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.

~ Garrison Keillor

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.

~ Garrison Keillor

Hurry up! Do it – get it done. You got work to do. Don’t put this off and don’t take the long view. Life is today and tomorrow, and if you are lucky, may be next week.

~ Garrison Keillor

Don't worry about the past and don't try to figure out the future

~ Garrison Keillor

The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.

~ Garrison Keillor

What would people think?'Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats. Constant motion. That's why you have to look at the heart.'Oh,' said Grandpa.

~ Garrison Keillor

That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

~ Garrison Keillor

The Union is what needs defending this year. Government of Enron and by Halliburton and for the Southern Baptists is not the same as what Lincoln spoke of. This gang of Republicans has humbugged us to death on terrorism and tax cuts for the comfy and school prayer and flag burning and claimed the right to know what books we read and to dump their sewage upstream from the rest of us and clear-cut the forests and gut the IRS and promote the corporate takeover of the public airwaves and to hell with anybody who opposes them.

~ Garrison Keillor

You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.

~ Garrison Keillor

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

~ Garrison Keillor

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

~ Garrison Keillor

My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept their work as praise because, my God, they don’t have time for everything.

~ Garrison Keillor

It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.

~ Garrison Keillor

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

~ Garrison Keillor

A romp in the hay lingers like the first line of a song but your true love is the one you make a life with and write more than a line about you write a whole book.

~ Garrison Keillor

A romp in the hay lingers like the first line of a song but your true love is the one you make a life with and write more than a line about you write a whole book.

~ Garrison Keillor

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore.

~ Garrison Keillor

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

~ Garrison Keillor

Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. Thank you for the rain. And for the chance to wake up in three hours and go fishing: I thank you for that now, because I won't feel so thankful then.

~ Garrison Keillor

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.

~ Garrison Keillor

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

~ Garrison Keillor

I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.

~ Garrison Keillor

I write for a radio show that, no matter what, will go on the air Saturday at five o'clock central time. You learn to write toward that deadline, to let the adrenaline pick you up on Friday morning and carry you through, to cook up a monologue about Lake Wobegon and get to the theater on time.

~ Garrison Keillor

I was an English major at the University of Minnesota, and I was very shy, which many people misinterpreted as intelligence. On the basis of that wrong impression, I became the editor of the campus literary magazine.

~ Garrison Keillor

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

~ Garrison Keillor

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

~ Garrison Keillor

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

~ Garrison Keillor

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

~ Garrison Keillor