Humorist Quotes

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

~ Dave Barry

Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.

~ Jean Shepherd

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

~ Carroll Bryant

In the afternoon the ship's company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the asthmatic meodeon, and the consumptive clarinet crippled the Star Spangled Banner, the choir chased it to cover, and George came in with a peculiarly lacerating screech on the final note and slaughtered it. Nobody mourned. We carried out the corpse on three cheers (that joke was not intentional and I do not endorse it).

~ Mark Twain

All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.

~ Carl R White

The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever seems likelier to win an effect.

~ John Updike

Today I feel like I did tomorrow.

~ Carroll Bryant

Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget.

~ Carroll Bryant

Give a man a beer, the remote and a La-Z-Boy and he’s a happy camper! All Things Caveman humor cartoon book will help you understand that hairy guy beside you.

~ Laurie Foxx

A comedian is better than a politician, at least there is no doubt.

~ Bangambiki Habyarimana

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams Week Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month leave I wonder if he will be Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he's gone too far. Unfortunately, I can't put a cover of my book My Year in Oman with Mr. Williams' picture on the cover.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Look out Below! Air Asia's catchy new advertising slogan.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Forgiveness Steroids for the Soul.

~ Matthew Heines

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

~ Groucho Marx

If you're too serious to make life a laughing matter, then you seriously need to make laughter matter to you today and every day!

~ Jeannine M. Luby

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

~ Sid Ziff

Wisdom of the Ages: Humility If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

~ Matthew Heines

I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire.

~ M.j. Mcguire

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

~ M.j. Mcguire

- You gave me a dead frog for my birthday!- To remind you we all die and end up rotting underground eaten by maggots so we should enjoy our birthdays while we have them. I found it thoughtful.

~ Soman Chainani

Wisdom of the Ages: Women Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, Strong women make strong men.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages US News Media If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages Unsuccessful Town Slogans Sequim (WA)- We put the Dung in Dungeness.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Government Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Unsuccessful pick-up lines 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: National Symbol With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Valentine's Day Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams Week Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: The Pope and Congress It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.

~ Matthew Heines

It’s been four years since Justin kissed his best friend Lucas when they were both just 12. Then Justin, afraid of what it meant, afraid of how he felt, afraid of what it made him, ran and has been running from and avoiding Lucas for these four years. The thing about running is that no matter how fast you run, the past always catches up with you, and when faced with his past and all the things he’s missed, Justin finds he doesn’t want to run anymore. Now Justin wants to try to make things right with Lucas; he wants his best friend back. But maybe it's too late. Maybe Lucas has moved on. Read the story to find out if Justin is successful. This story isn't only about internalized homophobia and the hurtful things it leads gay kids to do to themselves and others. It is much more about truth, love and hurt and coming to terms with those things, forgiving yourself, and loving yourself enough to hold yourself accountable.

~ Juvenalius

It’s tough enough to be a straight boy in a small town high school looking for the love of your life. But at least your possible loves are all out in the open.

~ Juvenalius

Juvenalius, 15 and gay, has been raised in a difficult family and has been held in his aunt's Diana suffocating iron grip for all of his life. He has been made to feel worthless and ashamed; with no freedom, only obedience. Yet this begins to change one day when he meets a boy named Davis at his high school who has drawn the meaningful letter 'C' on his right hand. Now Juvenalius has hope but his behavioral changes are seen as an act of defiance in his aunt's eyes until she catches Juvenalius and Davis kissing out back under the school's library windows. Then Juve's life is unexpectedly transformed.

~ Juvenalius

I was on my way to talk to Davis when the car hit me. . . . . . A dark figure emerged from the shadows, half-lit by the glittering streetlight and the pale glow of the moon. . . . . . . Huge black wings erupted out of her back like a blooming rose. She was beautiful. . . . . I knew who this woman was.’Are you Death?' . . . . . “'Most people have something holding them down to this world,' she said, 'like a tether on a balloon. It could be something material, a person, or persons, an unfinished goal. There are many reasons to want to keep living. I wonder, Juvenalius, what is yours?'I smiled just thinking about it. 'His name’s Davis.'Her hand stroked my cheek so gently I wanted to cry. 'Tell me about him,' she whispered.And Juvenalius does. And you will be transfixed as Juve's first friend comes to life in his memory in this Tale with a gay twist.

~ Juvenalius

Juvenalius has problems... though like most kids on the threshold of sexual awareness he only knows life sucks... he isn't clear about why. His mother rants on and on about the iniquity of his school having a gay straight alliance. She's quite safe about that, as Ryan is too shy to join, or is that scared? His only friend is a dog so the question of boy or girl-friend hardly arises... until he gets a valentine... from the least likely boy in the school.

~ Juvenalius

Church is so confusing for Juvenalius. His new pastor preaches nothing but hate and condemnation of gays and lesbians, but no matter how carefully he reads his Bible, he can’t find where it says God hates him. Will things change when Juve's boyfriend Devis suggests that they all go to his church instead?

~ Juvenalius

What's it like for a young teen of barely 14, trying to cope with all the normal problems of adolescence, and wrestling with the realization that he's gay on top of all that? Juvenalius struggles with accepting himself and with the idea of coming out, as well as trying to find a boy who he can love and be loved back in return. Narrated by him, find out how he deals with it all and how those important to his life help.

~ Juvenalius

It’s much, much tougher when you’re a 17 year-old gay boy, part of only 10% or less of the school population and your possible loves are all in hiding, just as you are, due to the fear of being socially ostracized, laughed at, condemned and physically harassed by your peers.

~ Juvenalius

Maybe some people enter in your life to create wonderful memories before they leave. Its hard to come to terms with that whether they walk away alive or dead.The only thing we can do is keeping that person in your memory as long as you can. That person does not need to please you like a girlfriend or a boy-friend but they can make you happy.That person does not need to cherish you like parents, but they can give you warmth & they are always ready to protect you.That person does not need to make us laugh at all times like friends, but they can make you smile.That some one who you won't go into hysterics when they leave, but they will always be in your memory forever

~ Juvenalius

Maybe some people enter in your life to create wonderful memories before they leave. Its hard to come to terms with that whether they walk away alive or dead.The only thing we can do is keeping that person in your memory as long as you can. That person does not need to please you like a girlfriend or a boy-friend but they can make you happy.That person does not need to cherish you like parents, but they can give you warmth & they are always ready to protect you.That person does not need to make us laugh at all times like friends, but they can make you smile.That some one who you won't go into hysterics when they leave, but they will always be in your memory forever.

~ Juvenalius