Groucho Marx Quotes

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

~ Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

~ Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

~ Groucho Marx

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

~ Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

~ Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.

~ Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

~ Groucho Marx

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

~ Groucho Marx

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

~ Groucho Marx

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

~ Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

~ Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

~ Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room.]

~ Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

~ Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

~ Groucho Marx

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

~ Groucho Marx

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

~ Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

~ Groucho Marx

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

~ Groucho Marx

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

~ Groucho Marx

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

~ Groucho Marx

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

~ Groucho Marx

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

~ Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

~ Groucho Marx

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

~ Groucho Marx

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

~ Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

~ Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

~ Groucho Marx

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

~ Groucho Marx

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

~ Groucho Marx

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

~ Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

~ Groucho Marx

The only real laughter comes from despair.

~ Groucho Marx

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

~ Groucho Marx

It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

~ Groucho Marx

When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.

~ Groucho Marx

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

~ Groucho Marx

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

~ Groucho Marx

Since my little daughter is only half Jewish would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?

~ Groucho Marx

No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

~ Groucho Marx