Groucho Marx Quotes

I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.

~ Groucho Marx

I've had a wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.

~ Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

~ Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

~ Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

~ Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

~ Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

~ Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

~ Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

~ Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

~ Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

~ Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

~ Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

~ Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

~ Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

~ Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

~ Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

~ Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

~ Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

~ Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

~ Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

~ Groucho Marx