One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today but you will be a great deal older.
~ Melvin Helitzer
I want to thank everybody who made this day necessary.
~ Yogi Berra
I really don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
~ Jack Benny
I explained to him I had simple tastes and didn't want anything ostentatious no matter what it costs.
~ Art Buchwald
I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion I think it must be gratitude.
~ Benjamin Disraeli
I forgot they were talking about me. They sound so wonderfully convincing.
~ Jean Giraudoux
I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school everybody hated me.
~ Anonymous
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
~ Bob Hope
I've been here so long . . . when I got here the Dead Sea wasn't even sick yet.
~ Wimp Sanderson
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Some people speak from experience while others from experience don't speak.
The best way to save face is keep the bottom half shut.
It is almost impossible to find those who admire us entirely lacking in taste.
~ J. Petit-Senn
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another man's resemblance to ourselves.
~ Ambrose Bierce
A good storyteller is a person who has a good memory and hopes other people haven't.
~ Irvin S. Cobb
Adam was the only man who when he said a good thing knew that nobody had said it before him.
~ Mark Twain
The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.
~ Norman Vincent Peale
Don't worry if your you is small and your rewards are few: Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you.
A sense of humor is what makes you laugh at something that would make you mad if it happened to you.
If Noah found himself back on Earth you can bet all he would recognize would be the jokes.
A sense of humor is the ability to laugh at your own jokes when your friends tell them.
~ Patricia Jasper Clark
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.
~ George Miller
Nouvelle cuisine roughly translated means I can't believe I spent ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry.
~ Mike Kalin
I've had a wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.
~ Groucho Marx
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
~ Martin H. Fischer
There are no perfect people - except of course my wife's first husband.
Ladies and gentlemen you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
~ Jackie Mason
I love a finished speaker I really truly do. I don't mean one who's polished I just mean one who's through.
Remember if God had wanted this to be perfect he never would have had me up here.
It is always dullest before the yawn.
~ Bob Phillips
I noticed you weren't checking your watches - you've been shaking them.
I'd like to thank the committee that brought this event about. It was an equal endeavor. They did the food decorations and reservations and I did the traffic flow.
~ Wendy Morgan
Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime.
~ Robert De Niro
Here's to one of the most beautiful kind thoughtful people I have ever known . . . You are getting more like me every day.
Another fine mess you've got us in Stanley.
~ Oliver Hardy
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
~ Troy Anderson
Let's face it some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
~ Maria Morgan
If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted I beg his pardon.
~ Johannes Brahms
Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
~ Henny Youngman
I thank you for not snoring.
~ Marlon Brando
