Funny Humor Quotes

Little people make tall claims. As being this-that avatar or messiah. Some even say they're God. Well, if they are, I'm their grand-pop.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I'm joking when I say I'm the grand-pop of those claiming to be an avatar-messiah or god. But if they're serious, then, I am who I am.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Just like you silly bums, I have a personal sky god. I bow to him, as you do to your airy-fairy sod. He prefers I call him Mr. NOT.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in the company of their egos.

~ Delian Zahariev

Punctuation was, it is sad to say, invented a very long time ago. Even more frustrating, it has remained with us ever since.

~ Anne Elizabeth Moore

Were I but perfectly normal, I would just not be.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Remember, you are as dispensable as the most indispensable king of kings, the mighty lord of silly worldly men.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Don't worry. Life goes on. With or without you. So, live it, while it's given you.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Do not believe in a god who is as silly, and meaner than you. For, that would surely be your higher-self, and your stupid alter-ego.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

My imaginary pal up there, Mr. NOT, tells me it's my dog-damn ism to kick your illusory he-man's ass. Now, what do you say to that?

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children.”A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach.“Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me?

~ Kiersten White

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

~ Carroll Bryant

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

~ Carroll Bryant

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

~ Carroll Bryant

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

~ Carroll Bryant

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny Business.

~ Ivan Stoikov

Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, my dear leetle mongoose. I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away.

~ Alex Flinn

Shelly looked around the jamb again as though whatever animal that had been terrorizing her had a weapon. “That doesn’t look like typical rat shit. You may be right. This needs to be handled right now. You’re a lesbian, get in there and do battle.” “What does being gay have to do with trapping a squirrel?” “Two women live together, who kills the vermin?” Shelly asked with a hand on her hip. “The pest control people, that’s who.” “Butch up and get your ass in there. I won’t tell anyone if you scream like a five-year-old girl.” “I’m a femme lesbian, which puts me in the same class as you.” Ryann pointed to her face. “Note the makeup. Besides, you were the one who always played in the dirt and rode horses.” “There weren’t any squirrels in that dirt with me! I’ll pick up a bug or a frog, I even handled a grass snake once, but I do not deal with rodents.” Ryann leaned against the doorjamb and stared into the room. “It’s most likely under the couch. Where’s Grant?” “After-school detention for piercing his and the noses of his friends with pushpins.” Ryann stared at her in horror. “What is wrong with your kids?

~ Robin Alexander

Holy mama llama. That’s Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I’m supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I’m going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap.

~ D.l. Hess

I would die for you, my love—in old age.

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Let me put it more artistically, with greater sophistication:They left us in the toilet. In the deepest pile of shit. And we're coated in the crappy residue of their desicions. But that does not mean we are the one who pooped, Moritz. And neither are we the poop.Never think that. We're not the poop.

~ Leah Thomas

I wish you all the best in life. Hell, I will even write your obituary for free.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

The wife’s gotta know. You can’t hook up like that for what looks like about six or seven years without the wife figuring it out. Unless she’s another idiot.“I’m not an idiot.”Smiling, Roarke continued to stroke. “I’ll keep that in mind when I decide to have a long-term affair.”“Yeah, you do that. They’ll never find your body,” she murmured, then dropped into sleep.His smiled warmed, and feeling well loved, he dropped off with her.

~ J.d. Robb

Humour sustains us during failure; more so after success, when we're prone to fail that much more, daring abyss, pumped up with success.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I'm good at blowjob.

~ Lauren Baker

Lucien had never prayed before, never imagined that there might be a deity listening who would be interested in what he had to say, so his supplication skills were a tad rusty.But now Lucien prayed.Please don’t take her from me just as I’ve found her. If you do, I’ll come for your ass.Any gods listening would do well to heed him. Lucien never made a promise that he couldn’t keep.

~ Aimee Roseland

I love religious nuts. They make me remember I have them too. So, being a health nut, I scratch them religiously. Just as I do my butt.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I've nothing against people. Just a***oles. But then, most people are.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

But he saw a rare determination in Haley's eyes. I can trust Haley's judgement, he told himself, even as he remembered how Haley had eaten that cheddar with the mold growing on it two weeks before.Cheese and people are not the same.

~ Kit Alloway

Hurry, your imaginary heaven is calling you up, my dear holier-than-thou religious nuts.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Life is easy. Just stay un-dead.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I love you silly 'holy' book. Here's hoping everybody un-reads it.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Mom lies down next to me and we both stare at the ceiling in complete silence. “Boys are like candy,” she suddenly says. I grin. “Really, Mom? That’s your advice? Boys are like candy. What is that? Forrest Gump on teens?

~ Rucy Ban

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.

~ Carroll Bryant

....I'd rather travel in Cargo-nanoships than a Bullet-train to reach my target.

~ Farooq A. Shiekh

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed