Funny Humor Quotes

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams Week Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month leave I wonder if he will be Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

~ Matthew Heines

Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes! Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

~ Mark Buff

110, 111 whatever it takes!Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

~ Mark Buff

You know when you mix butt and Angel in the same sentence, it becomes an insult,” I say and take a big gulp from the can. With his back to me, he says, “Trust me, I would never dream of insulting your butt. I’m sure it’s better than anything I’m cooking out here.

~ Rucy Ban

Sometimes you just gotta wear the tinfoil hat.

~ Gary Hopkins

Frankly, the only good people who I know are dogs.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Believe you me, I am all for you; and wish you well - for you to go to hell.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Checked thoroughly, humans stink.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

An atheist is a person who has nobody to blame when he screws up.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Torn clothes are funny … until your dad gets fired.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Of course I love you. For real. I will sure come and personally meet you myself. Just to make sure you're well. When is your funeral?

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.

~ The Covert Comic

After your daily bread, if you ask God for anything, ask 'him' to make you right in the head.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Dogs are angels full of poop.

~ Oliver Gaspirtz

I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Jules stood up and stretched gracelessly. “Let’s hurry up and pay before she”-she indicated Claire with a flick of her thumb-“sees something shiny and we lose her again.

~ Kimberly Derting

Arch turned and looked at Ian. The other man was fiddling with the neckline of his shirt. “You're just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don't think any woman will be safe until you get one.” Ian shot him an unamused look at his words.

~ Rose Wynters

Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are?” By his words you’d think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I’m off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he’d be like, oh no please don’t do that. Inreality, he’d have to kill me.

~ L.h. Cosway

I made a tactical error tonight with Wyatt. She paused Horizontally. Sara laughed. Again?

~ Jill Shalvis

I have great respect for you - once you are dead, and gone

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Wisdom of the Ages Unsuccessful Town Slogans Sequim (WA)- We put the Dung in Dungeness.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams Week Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

~ Matthew Heines

Play and be happy.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita