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Dear God, Why don't you ever get inspired by those carmakers who recall defective models? Please be humble, accept that you made and mistake and recall all idiots, criminals, haters, terrorists and replace their defective minds.

~ Everskeptic

Everskeptic Funny And Random God

Does anyone else day dream about what it would be like if specific age groups just dropped dead all across the world?

~ Christy Leigh Stewart

Christy Leigh Stewart Death Funny And Random Generation Question

If at first you don't succeed, lower you expectations

~ Jonathan Tropper

Jonathan Tropper Funny And Random Jonathon Trooper Success

My imaginary pal up there, Mr. NOT, tells me it's my dog-damn ism to kick your illusory he-man's ass. Now, what do you say to that?

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Fakeer Ishavardas Body And Soul Funny Funny And Random Funny Humor Good And Evil Humour Life Humourosly Inspirational Life And Living Life Lessons Metaphysical Quotes Metaphysics Quotes Religion Spirituality Spiritual Development Wellness Guru

The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.

~ Christy Leigh Stewart

Christy Leigh Stewart Applause Clapping Funny Funny And Random Retarded

If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Carter Kane Destruction Earthquakes Floods Funny Funny And Random Giant Snake Humour Ra Rebellious Riordan Riots Sadie Kane Serpent Snake Sun Survive Tornado Tsunamis

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Carter Kane Destruction Earthquakes Floods Funny Funny And Random Giant Snake Humour Ra Rebellious Riordan Riots Sadie Kane Serpent Snake Sun Survive Tornado Tsunamis

Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I’dmet them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.“Hindenburg,” I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. “Walt, why in the world—?”“Sorry!” he yelled. “Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.I moved to Walt’s side and tried to get my bearings.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Carter Kane Destruction Earthquakes Floods Funny Funny And Random Giant Snake Humour Ra Rebellious Riordan Riots Sadie Kane Serpent Snake Sun Survive Tornado Tsunamis

so this crow comes and it starts quacking at us.

~ Nicole Snooki Polizzi

Nicole Snooki Polizzi Funny Funny And Random

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.

~ Nenia Campbell

Nenia Campbell Food Food Love Foodie Funny Funny And Random Humor Humorous Lol Orgasm Orgasms Random Sex Sex Quotes Sexy Humor

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter) I thinks she's going to break my heart On arrival of the girl The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

~ Christopher Moore

Christopher Moore Funny Funny And Random Humor

Holy mama llama. That’s Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I’m supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I’m going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap.

~ D.l. Hess

D.l. Hess Celebrities Celebrity Celebrity Culture Cute Meet Funny Funny And Random Funny Humor Funny Quotes Hot Guy Hot Guys Meet Meet Cute Meeting Meeting New People Silliness Silly

Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Fakeer Ishavardas Friendly Fire Funny And Random Funny Humor Funny Quotes Humour Humour Life Humourous Quote Jokes And Whatever Laughter Is The Best Medicine Smile Quotes

Minimalism is a girl's best asset, blend tones, smudge hard outlines; if all else fails; Photoshop it.

~ Judith Chambers

Judith Chambers Funny And Random Humour Makeup

Dont act like you are walking around with a Tshirt that says I give Up! on the front and on the back saying I never started trying!People can bring you down, situations happen, YOU can feel like Life is the shittiest thing to deal with. BLAH BLAH BLAH..If you're walking through Hell, keep going! Everyday there's a new challenge. Face it! Deal with it! Move on! To every problem there is a solution or a way around it.. Stop being a sour mongral and think life owes you something..No one will do anything for you these days. Start fighting. Get rid of ALL the shit people in your Life. Grow some balls of steel and work progressively through everything. Step by Step or what ever mad method you have to get you back in line again.Who cares, if people don't like you, BURN that mother of a bridge down. It was never meant to be.. Build New ones! Many roads to cross and new paths on life to Explore..It starts with YOU.. And if people want to judge you, tell them to F/O and look in the mirror. Time for a new game.. It's called Take over the World WHOOOP WHOOOP!!

~ Timothy Padayachee

Timothy Padayachee Brainy Quote Failure Funny And Random Human Nature Humour Judgemental Judging Others Life Life Lessons Live An Extraordinary Life Live And Learn Live Life So Well Live Your Best Life Try Again Trying Hard Trying New Things Wisdom Quotes

Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says Oh, no! She's up.

~ Joanne Clancy

Joanne Clancy Funny And Random Inspirational Life Women

Religion is a totalitarian belief. It is the wish to be a slave. It is the desire that there be an unalterable, unchallengeable, tyrannical authority who can convict you of thought crime while you are asleep, who can subject you to total surveillance around the clock every waking and sleeping minute of your life, before you're born and, even worse and where the real fun begins, after you're dead. A celestial North Korea. Who wants this to be true? Who but a slave desires such a ghastly fate? I've been to North Korea. It has a dead man as its president, Kim Jong-Il is only head of the party and head of the army. He's not head of the state. That office belongs to his deceased father, Kim Il-Sung. It's a necrocracy, a thanatocracy. It's one short of a trinity I might add. The son is the reincarnation of the father. It is the most revolting and utter and absolute and heartless tyranny the human species has ever evolved. But at least you can fucking die and leave North Korea!

~ Christopher Hitchens

Christopher Hitchens Atheism Atheist Argument Christianity Funny Funny And Random Funny And True Funny Quotes Humor Intellectual Philosophy Religion Religious Freedom Religious Quote Spirituality

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly.

~ Leah Broadby

Leah Broadby Fantasy Fantasy Books Funny And Random Humorous Quotes Humour

What’s not to love? I made friends with a pretty girl and now we get to plan a castle break in. This beats the day to day kill, eat and survive.

~ Emilyann Girdner

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He’s close enough now that I can hear his footfall on the pavement, and I knowmy chances of outrunning him are slim. I’m practically in a full sprint, and mypounding heart is begging me to take it down a notch. I try to will my feet to keep pace with its beat; but I think it’s humanly impossible to run that fast. And then it dawns on me that my footsteps are the only ones I hear. Somewhere along the way, Tristan’s must have come to a stop. And I can’t quite explain why I’m running this fast in the first place. I slow to a jog, intending to just pick up with my original pace; but I can’t seem to suck in breaths fast enough to propel my feet any further. My molten shoes stutter to a stop, as my hands come to rest on my knees. I’m still wheezily sucking in breath after breath of thick, humid air, when I warily turn tolook over my shoulder.Tristan’s standing about fifty feet back, hands on his hips and a comp

~ M.a. George

M.a. George Fantasy Fiction Funny And Random Paranormal Romance Running Away Young Adult

He’s close enough now that I can hear his footfall on the pavement, and I knowmy chances of outrunning him are slim. I’m practically in a full sprint, and my pounding heart is begging me to take it down a notch. I try to will my feet to keep pace with its beat; but I think it’s humanly impossible to run that fast. And then it dawns on me that my footsteps are the only ones I hear. Somewhere along the way, Tristan’s must have come to a stop. And I can’t quite explain why I’m running this fast in the first place. I slow to a jog, intending to just pick up with my original pace; but I can’t seem to suck in breaths fast enough to propel my feet any further. My molten shoes stutter to a stop, as my hands come to rest on my knees. I’m stillwheezily sucking in breath after breath of thick, humid air, when I warily turn to look over my shoulder.Tristan’s standing about fifty feet back, hands on his hips and a comp

~ M.a. George

M.a. George Fantasy Fiction Funny And Random Paranormal Romance Running Away Young Adult

A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy'Albert Einstein

~ Victoria Ward

Victoria Ward Adult Romance Adultery Baby Baby Names Baby Shower Birth Cheating Spouse Comedy Emotional Pain Emotions Family Family Drama Family Relationships Friendship And Love Friendship True And Loyal Friendships Funny Funny And Random Humorous Jenna Jaghe Labor Labour Men And Women Mental Disorders Mental Health Motherhood Pain Psychiatry Single Single Life Single Mother In Peril Single Motherhood Wedding Dress Wedding Planning Weddings Women And Men Women S Inspirational Women S Strength Women Writers Womens Rights

What the famous big blue Boy Scout told to a green Kryptonite? What?? YOU rock!

~ Ana Claudia Antunes

Ana Claudia Antunes Accounts Big Blue Boy Scout Boy Scout City Funny Funny And Random Jokes Kryptonite Power Powerful Rock Stories Superheroes Superman Superpowers Superstition Tales Tales Of The City Urban Urban Life Weakness

I guess it’s worth a shot.” More than likely a wasted bullet, but I’ll fire anyway.

~ Brandy Nacole

Brandy Nacole Funny And Random Humor Quote Racquel The Shadow World

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

~ Josh Stern

Josh Stern Absurd Crazy Funny Funny And Random Humor Love Passion Romance Strange

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

~ Nenia Campbell

Nenia Campbell Bdsm Bdsm Erotica Bdsm Quotes Bdsm Romance Bdsm Sex Funny And Random Funny Quotes Humor Humorous Humorous Quotes Sex Sexual Sexual Humor Xxx

So, am I too, like all other humans, just a rogue? Sure! Just a notch less than those rascals wearing godly robes.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Fakeer Ishavardas Funny And Random Funny But True Funny Quotes God Good And Evil Human Nature Humanity And Society Humankind Humorous Philosophy Humour Life Humourous Memoir Life Quotes And Sayings Metaphysical Philosophy Motivational Inspirational People Nature People Quotes Philosophical Musings Philosophy Religion Reality Of Life Religion Spirituality Spiritual Quotes Spiritual Wisdom Spirituality Vs Religion Wellness Evaluation Of Lifestyle

His green eyes blazed with desire; such a different look than I'd known before. Chase had studied me, reading my feelings. Tucker was only trying to see his own reflection. Disturbing on several levels.

~ Kristen Simmons

Kristen Simmons Funny And Random Inspiring Poetic

I never thought that someday men will also use an iPAD.

~ Santosh Kalwar

Santosh Kalwar Comedy Funny And Random Ipad Men

And what the hell does that even mean? Why would you serve food for thoughgs, and what kind of food? If you serve spinach, do you get healthy thoughts? If it's ice cream and candy, it is fun thoughts? Why do we say stupid things?

~ J.d. Robb

J.d. Robb Food Food For Thought Funny And Random Thoughts

Imogene always sitson the remote. It’s probably wedged between her butt cheeks.”“Should I go get a crowbar?

~ Kirsten Miller

Kirsten Miller Funny And Random Paranormal Romance

I grabbed a shovel and dug, and dug, and dug.Sorry not a very poetic thought, but very deep.

~ Lenora Fraga

Lenora Fraga Funny And Random Insperational Thoughts Thoughts

-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Comeback Funny And Random Humor Humorous Satire Wit Witty Quotes

Ish #19 If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?

~ Regina Griffin

Regina Griffin Funny And Random Funny But True Funny Quotes Humor Humorous

He done his level best.Was he a mining on the flat..He done it with a zest..Was he a leading of the choir..He done his level best.If he'd a reg'lar task to do,He never took no rest..Or if 'twas off and on the same..He done his level best.If he was preachin' on his beat,He'd tramp from east to west,And north to south ..in cold and heat..He done his level best.He'd Yank a sinner outen (Hades),And land him with the blest;Then snatch a prayer'n waltz in again,And do his level best.He'd cuss and sing and howl and pray,And dance and drink and jest,He done his level best.Whate'er this man was sot to doHe done it with a zest;No matter what his contract was,He'd do his level best...

~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Funny And Random Humorous Mark Twain Inspirational

(About a cookbook...)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Comebacks Funny And Random Humor Humorous Retort Satire Wit Witty

Ladies glisten, men perspire, horses sweat.-Early Nun Quote, The Old Ursuline Convent (1727) New Orleans, LA

~ Diana Hollingsworth Gessler

Diana Hollingsworth Gessler Convent Funny And Random Funny Quotes Humorous New Orleans Nuns Perspiration Sweat

I said to my friend, Why do you smoke (cigarettes)?He replied, Because I like to put myself on the line for the welfare and safety of others.I astonishingly said, Sorry, I didn't get your point.He replied, I want a cigarette-free world. Therefore, I am trying my best to end all the cigarettes from the world.

~ Saad Salman

Saad Salman Cigarette Cigarette Addiction Cigarettes Smoking Funny Funny And Random Humor Humorous Saad Salman Smoker Smokers Smoking

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Oliver Oliver Reed Funniest Jokes Funny Funny And Random Funny Book Quotes Funny Humor Funny Joke Funny Jokes Funny Quotes Humor Humorous Humorous Quotes Humour Joke Jokes World S Funniest Jokes Worlds Funniest Jokes Yo Mama Yo Mama Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Your Mama Jokes Your Momma

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Oliver Oliver Reed Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Facts Chuck Norris Jokes Funniest Jokes Funny Funny And Random Funny Book Quotes Funny Humor Funny Joke Funny Jokes Funny Quotes Humor Humorous Humorous Quotes Humour Joke Jokes World S Funniest Jokes Worlds Funniest Jokes
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