Funny Book Quotes Quotes

It was if the devil himself had devised the perfect earthly torture for Lady Alicia Lawrence. “Now how will I occupy myself when I get to hell?

~ Celeste Bradley

You can’t enjoy art or books in a hurry.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they've never seen horror movies. They don't know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go screaming off into the woods alone. No one has any sex.

~ Carrie Vaughn

Men know that most women want to have an emotional connection with someone before they sleep with them. Men know that a lot of women think it's romantic to be friends first, and then the friendship blossoms into a relationship. Men know that they have to jump through all these hoops first, before they can get laid. And that's really all romance and courtship is to a man: hoops he has to jump through to get laid.

~ Oliver Markus

What’s not to love? I made friends with a pretty girl and now we get to plan a castle break in. This beats the day to day kill, eat and survive.

~ Emilyann Girdner

Not that it isn't great to see you. But it's not so great for you. What'd you do wrong? Laugh at his dick?

~ Margaret Atwood

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

~ Mark Jackman

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

~ Mark Jackman

Eagles, buffalos and deserts vast, it’s no good living in the fucking past.

~ Mark Jackman

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,' the inventor said. 'The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

~ Mark Jackman

Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon.

~ Mark Jackman

Sadly for you, I think I'm going to live, Simi. You can stop slapping me now. I've already lost enough sense. Can't afford to lose any more brain cells. I really really need my last three before I forget how to spell my name. It's hard enough to pronounce. Nickwell, poo. Not poo that you'll live, 'cause the Simi would probably miss you if you died, but poo that I'll miss all that good old salty boy meat. Though we needs be fatting you up some to make you really good eats. Hmmm. Simi

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Roaches should never trust humans. We’re all doomed.

~ La Tisha Honor

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

~ G.g. Silverman

Dogs are angels full of poop.

~ Oliver Gaspirtz

Oh for Christ sakes. Ay carrumba, chimichanga. I have no idea what you’re saying, but shut your pretty pie hole.

~ Cristin Harber