Funny Humor Quotes

What are you? The pregnant MacGyver?” “Best compliment I’ve had in a while.

~ Cristin Harber

You still are? There go my plans! And the suit I had bought to attend your funeral. Well, well. Anyway, do call me up when you an't.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Were one to call your stupid ism good, well then, one would either be equally idiotic, or a fool, or no good.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I don't want to dig him or his sexy self. But I keep losing my clothes when I'm with him.

~ Jill Shalvis

You want to break the curse, I want to break the curse. We don't need to be nice. We need to be effective. Just help me figure it out, and I'll make you a rich woman.

~ Kate Avery Ellison

...and there encountered with him all at once Sir Bors, Sir Ector, and Sir Lionel, and they three smote him at once with their spears, and with force of themselves they smote Sir Lancelot's horse reverse to the earth. And by misfortune Sir Bors smote Sir Lancelot through the shield into the side...

~ Thomas Malory

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen

~ Olivia Cunning

The neck in front of her came up. The head swivelled 180 degrees and the horse looked at Kin with bright insectile eyes.'YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND,' it said inside Kin's head.'Hell!''THOSE ARE NOT MEANINGFUL CO-ORDINATES.

~ Terry Pratchett

Jihadis! Please go to your imaginary heaven - out there, nowhere. Us, the infidel lot, have helluva lot to do after you leave. Out here.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet.

~ Santosh Kalwar

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I love you as I do all - not at all.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

So, your god is the only god? Okay, but then, so is my dog.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

~ Renita D'silva

Summoning my inner Kojak, I tried to convince myself that she would have sat next to me even had there been somewhere else on the bus to sit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a very good job of self-persuasion. Good thing I wasn't in court suing myself, because I would have lost. From: My Best Valentine's Day.Ever: A Short Story

~ Zack Love

So I'm delighted to open up a bit about these particular details, in honor of Valentine's Day (when every balding, chubby, and short actuary wants people - especially the babes out there - to know about his studly pastFrom: My Best Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

~ Zack Love

This was getting uglier by the minute, I thought. There really was no easy escape, since we were sitting far from the exit and the waiters knew me from prior dinner dates with Ashley and I hadn't paid the tab yet. From: My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

~ Zack Love

And just as I'm about to lay on the Yi-Wang-Smooth, I see Lay #1 and Lay #3 show up to our table and take the two empty seats nearby. From: My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

~ Zack Love

Like a driver who has lost control of his vechicle, I was bracing for the impending crash.From: My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

~ Zack Love

If I could do all of that on February 14th, it would be a personal best for me. Something to share with my crew for the glory and the laughs, or to cheer up the next buddy of mine to get dumped or cheated on. From My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: A Short Story

~ Zack Love

New York City is legendary for sleeping around. There's hot tail everywhere and it's such a big city that two-timing and even three-timing is very doable, if you plan it right.From My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever. (a Short Story)

~ Zack Love

Everything is going as planned until I notice that Ashley has barely touched her wine glass or food after ordering the priciest bottle and several of the most expensive dishes on the menu.From My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

~ Zack Love

Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Please follow these instructions:1. Stack the pages of this letter neatly. 2. Roll the pages up into a cylinder. 3. Smack yourself over the head with it. 4. Repeat. You complete ass.

~ Leah Thomas

Hey, religious nuts! Please do not grow up. Just go up!

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Monkeying around with other apes, a monkey was made - called, HUMAN. God is great!

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Whenever I wish to pay my respect to you, my middle finger says, it must first.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I never knew, apes talk. Apparently, you do.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

If I were married, I would be unmarried.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I'm fascinated by idiots... Here's looking at you, kid!

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Connor and Cameron look wide-eyed at the carnage. Cameron slowed the speedboat down to a crawl. She and Connor looked at Jason.“Oops,” Jason said meekly. Nothing else seemed appropriate.“Oops?” Connor shouted. “You blew up half the town.

~ Mark A. Cooper

MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?ME: MATH.

~ Kanyaacoffman

Care to explain?” Ari asked.“Didn’t you see my signals?”“Yeah. But they didn’t make sense. Five into one and it’s an intrusion.”“It’s an illusion! Five of them are an illusion.”“That’s not the signal for illusion. This is.” Ari demonstrated the proper signal.“That’s what I did.”“No, you didn’t. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky.”“I had a scimitar at my throat. I’d like to see you try signaling under those conditions.”-Janco and Ari bickering

~ Maria V. Snyder

Jason smiled and took a sip of his coke before responding. “I’m not sure how to reply to that. I thought about just giving you a nasty look. But I see you already have one.

~ Mark A. Cooper

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you’re having a churro.

~ Rucy Ban

I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it.

~ Patti Labelle