Dark Humor Quotes

I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are.

~ Jess C. Scott

What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?

~ Jess C. Scott

I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.

~ Alan Bradley

One hand was behind his back, and he held it out, presenting a bouquet of white and smoky purple lilies. “They’re straight from the underworld, by the way. They are everlasting. They won’t die.

~ Jess C. Scott

So I heard the boom of my father's rifle when he shot my best friend. A bullet only costs about two cents, and anybody can afford that.

~ Sherman Alexie

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)

~ Frankie Boyle

The Angel of Death is always a young person, or a group of young people, you'll begin seeing them left and right soon.

~ Benjamin R. Smith

In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.

~ Neil Degrasse Tyson

I hear they make greeting cards now to thank your therapist... for NOTHING

~ Casey Renee Kiser

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.

~ James Hetfield

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

~ Terry Pratchett

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.

~ Neil Degrasse Tyson

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

~ Mark Twain

[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!And that thought just cracked me up.]It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals.

~ Sherman Alexie

Two death sentences? Really? I mean, you look very well, considering.”Crane grinned at him. “One was in absentia. One wasn’t, and I spent three days in a condemned cell. I can’t recommend the experience.”“And—did you say a smuggler?”“That was what the death sentences were for.

~ K.j. Charles

You know, Mac,”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it’s not amusing enough.” “I’ll try to include a joke between ‘he bled to death’and ‘the city burned’.”Machaon responded tersely.

~ Sulari Gentill

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots.

~ Edgar Rice Burroughs

Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were.

~ James S.a. Corey

While art thrives on the blazing colours of scandal, literature blossoms on the dark soil of tragedy.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

It's better to be loved than feared, but if you can't be loved, then fear will do.-Dino quoting Machiavelli

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

The world had been divided into two parts that sought to annihilate each other because they both desired the same thing, namely the liberation of the oppressed, the elimination of violence, and the establishment of permanent peace.

~ Hermann Hesse

Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.

~ Dave Barry

How much is real and for how long..

~ J. Limbu

Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again.

~ Gillian Flynn

You may be married to a star, but that doesn't mean they'll treat you like one.

~ Jess C. Scott

Ariadne made an impression on you, and that's great. But life is not literature. Sooner or later, the spell wears off, the romantic feelings disappear, and you're left watching somebody's body disintegrate. You start with a love story, you end up manacled to an hourglass, watching the sands run out.

~ Paul Murray

Daddy is jive talkingand showering the stripperMommy is sleepwalkingwhile changing baby's diaper

~ Casey Renee Kiser

I’m not who you think I am. I’m an actor. Just like all of you. I’m improvising, shooting from the hip. It’s all a lie. I’m a lie. You’re a lie. The lights—they don’t lie. But when they shine, they only tell half the story.

~ Chris Dicroce

Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose. - Durzo Blint

~ Brent Weeks

A man’s greatest treasures are his illusions - Durzo Blint

~ Brent Weeks

Your Majesty,” Durzo said gravely. “A man of your stature’s cursing vocabulary ought to extend beyond a tedious reiteration of the excreta that fills the void between his ears.” - Durzo Blint

~ Brent Weeks

Assassination is an art, milord, and I am the city’s most accomplished artist - Durzo Blint

~ Brent Weeks

Love is a madness. Love is Failer - Durzo Blint

~ Brent Weeks

Are you entirely sure of that knot?' asked Morveer. 'There is no place in the plan for a lengthy drop'.'Twenty-eight strides', said Friendly.'What?''The drop'.A brief pause, 'That is not helpful'.

~ Joe Abercrombie

Rap un zeal' Demon within. I might as well put up a giant 'Come and Get Eaten' sign for the good those warning runes do.

~ Sabrina Zbasnik

Oh get over it Cecilia! You are no longer human. Such decorum doesn’t exist amongst our kind

~ Eve Masters

Darkness is necessary for evolvement.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

If you have to explain your sense of humor, then you are performing for the wrong crowd.

~ Shannon L. Alder

When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day.

~ Jay Wickre

He comes.And he comesloadedwith noise pollution.If I ever prayed for anything,it was for a manto shut up.

~ Casey Renee Kiser