George Carlin Quotes

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!

~ George Carlin

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

~ George Carlin

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

~ George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

~ George Carlin

We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.

~ George Carlin

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

~ George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

~ George Carlin

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

~ George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

~ George Carlin

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

~ George Carlin

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

~ George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

~ George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

~ George Carlin

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

~ George Carlin

People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.

~ George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

~ George Carlin

I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.

~ George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

~ George Carlin

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

~ George Carlin

How is it possible to have a civil war?

~ George Carlin

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

~ George Carlin

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

~ George Carlin

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

~ George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

~ George Carlin

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

~ George Carlin

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

~ George Carlin

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

~ George Carlin

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

~ George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

~ George Carlin

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

~ George Carlin

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

~ George Carlin

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

~ George Carlin

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

~ George Carlin

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.

~ George Carlin

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

~ George Carlin

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

~ George Carlin

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? Well, it's God's will. Thy Will Be Done. Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

~ George Carlin

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.

~ George Carlin

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

~ George Carlin

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

~ George Carlin