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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Rodney Dangerfield quote from classy quote

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Humor Humour

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Found Humor Kids Moving Parents

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Affair Humor Infidelity Psychiatrist Wife

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Crime Funny Humour Neighborhoods

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Funny Humour Infidelity Parenthood Parenting Sexuality

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Crime Funny Humour

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Funny Humour Neighborhoods

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Child Funny Humor Humour Kiddnapped Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Comedy Humour

You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Advice Humor

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Humility Life Perspective

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Difficult Days

I haven't spoken to my wife in years-I didn't want to interrupt her.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Love Marriage

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Man Fight World

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Birthday Best Wife

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Luck Honest Way

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Life Food Mirror

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Me Hear Underwear

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Mother Sickness Born

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Funny Tree Up

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Tree Pet Three

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Dog Favorite Bone

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Dog Egypt Him

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield People Ask Big

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Mother Doctor Ugly

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Dog Wife Glass

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Sleep Together Dinner

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Wife Rocks Her

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Day Wife Know

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Wife Want Her

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield People Fat Look

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Luck Honest Way

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Wife Me She

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Day Girl Me

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Door Wife Night
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