Darynda Jones Quotes

After a long, labored sigh, I said, “She was really happy when I got there. I’m pretty sure she was suicidal when I left.”“You do have that effect on people.

~ Darynda Jones

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

~ Darynda Jones

My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.” After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.

~ Darynda Jones

I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.

~ Darynda Jones

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, You named your breasts?I turned my back to him with a shrug. I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.

~ Darynda Jones

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

~ Darynda Jones

I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.

~ Darynda Jones

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt

~ Darynda Jones

I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.

~ Darynda Jones

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

~ Darynda Jones

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.

~ Darynda Jones

Want coffee? I asked, as I headed that way.It's three thirty in the morning.Okay. Want coffee?

~ Darynda Jones

Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.

~ Darynda Jones

You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.

~ Darynda Jones

Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.

~ Darynda Jones

My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.- Charley Davidson

~ Darynda Jones

In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. Do I look dead to you?

~ Darynda Jones

God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.

~ Darynda Jones

His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.

~ Darynda Jones

You totally need to watch the news.Can't.Why?It's too depressing.Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.

~ Darynda Jones

I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.” “Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?” “Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?” “Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?

~ Darynda Jones

Nobody wants to look like a fool. Nine times out of ten, thatreason alone keeps people from allowing themselves to believe.

~ Darynda Jones

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.

~ Darynda Jones

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

~ Darynda Jones

Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.

~ Darynda Jones

He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.

~ Darynda Jones

There are very few personal problems that can't be solved with a suitable application of high explosives.

~ Darynda Jones

For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.

~ Darynda Jones

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.

~ Darynda Jones

Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.

~ Darynda Jones

LIKE THE SUICIDAL RACCOON, I, TOO, WILL FUCK UP YOUR ALIGNMENT IF YOU RUN ME OVER. - T-shirt

~ Darynda Jones

As we sat there, the door opened, just barely, and a hand slid inside and dropped a set of keys on a side table.Thanks, Garrett! I called out.He gave me a thumbs-up and closed the door.How do you suppose he knew we were performing sexual favors on each other? I asked, snuggling against my man again.Possibly because you screamed my name about seven times.

~ Darynda Jones

Have you slept yet?''Sure. I took a power nap on the way over.''Didn't you drive there?''Yeah. Other drviers kept waking me up. Car horns should be illegal.'- Charley & Cookie

~ Darynda Jones

I know what kind of man it takes to get involved with something as barbarous as human trafficking.”“I get it, Swopes. He’s not the kind of man you take home to meet yourstepmom.” I rethought that. “Wait a minute. Maybe my stepmom would like to meet him. Do you think he ships to Istanbul?

~ Darynda Jones

I’m currently unsupervised It frisks me out too but the possibilities are endless

~ Darynda Jones

Did you catch the time-of-great-suffering thing?”Her expression softened. “Can you just make sure I’m not around when it happens?”“No can do,” I said, strolling back to my office with a negating wave of my hand. “If I have to suffer, then so does everyone else within a ten-mile radius.”She pursed her lips. “What ever happened to taking one for the team?”“Was never much of a team player.”“Sacrificing yourself for the greater good?”“Not that into human sacrifice.”“Suffering in silence?”I stopped and turned back to her, my eyes narrowing accusingly. “If I have to suffer, I’ll be screaming your name at the top of my lungs the whole time. You’ll be able to hear me all the way to Jersey, mark my words.”- Charley to Cookie

~ Darynda Jones

Gemma Davidson,” she answered, her voice as groggy as I felt. “Where are you?” I asked. “Who is this?” “Elvis.” “What time is it?” “Hammer time?” “Charley.” “Did you text me? Did your car break down?” “No and no. Why are you doing this to me?” She was funny. “Check your cell.” I heard a loud, sleepy sigh, some rustling of sheets, then, “It won’t come on.” “Not at all?” “No. What did you do to it?” “I ate it for breakfast. Check the battery compartment.” “Where the hell is that?” “Um, behind the battery door.” “Are you punking me?” I heard her fumbling with the phone. “Gem, if I was going to punk you, I wouldn't simply turn off your phone. I would pour honey in your hair while you slept. Or, you know, something like that.” “That was you?” she asked, appalled.

~ Darynda Jones

Does Uncle Bob have anything?I heard he has an STD.I mean on the women.Oh, I have no idea if they have any STDs.

~ Darynda Jones

In the meantime, I had to get dressed and go to work, because going to work in my pajamas was apparently the definition of unprofessional. Cookie's words. I looked it up though. She was wrong. Webster's mentioned nothing about pajamas.

~ Darynda Jones

If he didn't hate me so much and he wasn't an evil supernatural being, I'd be on him like black on Cookie's toast.That woman could not make toast.

~ Darynda Jones