I believe when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade...and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
~ Ron White
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!
A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.
There's no idea or concept in comedy you could do that hasn't been attacked from some angle. But if you start leaving punchlines out so you'll look cool, I don't get that. But I don't watch standup anyway, so I don't know what they're doing.
I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.
Vegas is famous for a lot of things, and bad marriages are one of them. Margo and I are proof that you can make this work. It just takes a little effort.
If you become famous and don't have a live show to back it up, they're not going to pay you any money.
I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.
I don't like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that's the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don't do a ton of it.
If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it's being true to their nature... that's what takes a long time to learn.
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.
The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.
The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.
My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.
There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.
I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.
I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.
I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, 'I'm not even a 10th of this man.'
When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.
