We cannot simply forgive and forget, nor should we.
~ Sharon Salzberg
To forgive, we may need to open our minds to a fuller exploration of the context in which the events occurred, and feel compassion for the circumstances and everyone involved, starting with ourselves.
Ultimately, we forgive others in order to free ourselves.
Real forgiveness in close relationships is never easy. It can’t be rushed or engineered.
We nurture our sense of connection with the larger whole, noticing that the whole is only as healthy as its smallest part.
A relationship is the union of two psychological systems.
When we set an intention to explore our emotional hot spots, we create a pathway to real love.
Often in close relationships, the subject being discussed is not the subject at all.
You don't have to love yourself unconditionally before you can give or receive real love.
When we develop our ability to love in one realm, we simultaneously nourish our ability in others, as long as we remain open to the flow of insight and compassion.
So often we operate from ideas of love that don’t fit our reality.
Feelings of apathy as they relate to our relationships often stem from insufficiently paying attention to those around us.
Only when we start to distinguish reality from fantasy that we can humbly, with eyes wide open, forge loving and sustainable connections with others.
What makes awe such a powerful call to love is that it’s disruptive. It sneaks up on us. It doesn’t ask our permission to wow us; it just does. Awe can arise from a single glance, a sound, a gesture.
One foundation of loving relationships is curiosity, keeping open to the idea that we have much to learn even about those we have been close to for decades.
When we don’t tell those we love about what’s really going on or listen carefully to what they have to say, we tend to fill in the blanks with stories.
Although much of the work we do in committed relationships we do with our partners, sometimes it’s necessary to start with ourselves.
With our close friends, family members, and lovers, we hope to create a special world, one in which we can expect to be treated fairly, with care, tenderness, and compassion.
Be open to the possibility that there are other paths available to you in relating to yourself and to another.
Without equanimity, we might give love to others only in an effort to bridge the inevitable and healthy space that always exists between two people.
Whether we fear the existence of boundaries with others or crave more of them, there’s no denying that individuation and separation are inevitable parts of loving relationships that become the site of tension.
We have to know ourselves to know where we end and another person begins, and we have to develop the skills to navigate the space between us. Or else we will seek wholeness through false means that honor neither us nor those we love.
How we traverse the space between us when conflict arises has a profound effect on the health and longevity of our relationships.
A particularly difficult line to navigate is the one between fear and love, especially for parents, who want more than anything to protect their children from suffering.
The paradigm for our relationships is formed from our earliest experiences and is actually hardwired into our neurological and emotional network.
Letting go of the belief that we’re powerless to help relieve our own suffering enhances our ability not only to heal but also to genuinely love and receive the love of others.
The key in letting go is practice. Each time we let go, we disentangle ourselves from our expectations and begin to experience things as they are.
Mindfulness won’t ensure you’ll win an argument with your sister. Mindfulness won’t enable you to bypass your feelings of anger or hurt either. But it may help you see the conflict in a new way, one that allows you to break through old patterns.
We learn from conflicts only when we are willing to do so.
To truly love ourselves, we must challenge our beliefs that we need to be different or better.
As soon as we ask whether or not a story is true in the present moment, we empower ourselves to re-frame it.
Maybe what we really need is to change our relationship to what is, to see who we are with the strength of a generous spirit & a wise heart.
Until we begin to question our basic assumptions about ourselves and view them as fluid, not fixed, it’s easy to repeat established patterns and, out of habit, reenact old stories that limit our ability to live and love ourselves with an open heart.
Living in a story of a limited self—to any degree—is not love.
Identifying the source of our personal narratives helps us to release its negative aspects and re-frame it in ways that promote wholeness.
Cultivating loving kindness for ourselves is the foundation of real love for our friends and family, for new people we encounter in our daily lives, for all beings and for life itself.
When we experience inner impoverishment, love for another too easily becomes hunger: for reassurance, for acclaim, for affirmation of our worth.
Love is a living capacity within us that is always present, even when we don’t sense it.
Sanskrit has different words to describe love for a brother or sister, love for a teacher, love for a partner, love for one’s friends, love of nature, and so on. English has only one word, which leads to never-ending confusion.
When our focus is on seeking, perfecting, or clinging to romance, the charge is often generated by instability, rather than by an authentic connection with another person.
