Even as a child the glimpse of what a normal life would have been was always beyond my vision and my grasp. No matter what I glimpsed - whether hope or warning, happiness or sadness - it all led to the same present, to me being numb.I have been formed by the events of my life and the people involved. The loss of my innocence; the watchful, paranoid eye of my mother; the rejection of the adults around me; my abusive ex-boyfriend; the ignorance of my peers; I’ve allowed all of them to shape me into this faceless, identity-less mass which in my mind, I’ve been all my life.I repress my feelings for personal autonomy by dropping them into the fathomless waters of my subconscious. Trapped behind a colossal wall made from the pain and repressed emotions of my life, I seem to search desperately for anything that will help me reconnect with the world I’ve just left behind, whether it be a way out or simply a person on the other side willing to listen. My cry for someone to feel and touch me are all the more paradoxical considering that those are the very things I am unable to do in my life. I’ve built this wall out of the fear of feeling something, and out of my paranoia of being emotionally touched and leaving myself vulnerable.I want to regress back to my childhood, back to where it all began, so that I might be able to start over and see where things went wrong. For me to progress, I must comprehend the people, the events, and most importantly the decisions that have lead to my current imprisonment behind this wall.The violent battle of selves continues inside me, and they’re forming my most deranged persona yet.

~ Denice Envall

Reflecting back on the journey to the“Great Outdoors”places me in a different tonal mood, filledup with hope and passion, not resentful,suppressed relics of anger unresolvedDid you listen to the winds?What did you hear?Did you listen to the trees?What knowledge did they bring you?Did you listen to the birds?What songs did they sing to you?Did you listen to the Universe(s)?What messages did they bring you?Did you listen to the ancestors?What hope did they send you?Did you really listen?Close your eyes and open up your fullheart and listen againNot for meDo it 4 UrSelfDo it 4 tha FutureLook beyond UrSelfOpen up UrSelfLove ThySelfQuiet the chatter of your mind, closethe racing tracks and be still andquiet so that U can hear whatthey’re trying to say to U.Be appreciative for what U have beenbestowed and blessed to be stewards of, pleasedo not take this to mean: Destroy, dominate,and control.Let it mean be cognizant of the complexity, respect truebiodiversity, respect and honor all Life, allow for balance, andrecognize evolutionary adaptability in all of Creation.The winds are blowing good tidings and blessingsin this here direction as this one poem comesto a close while striving for the rootedness of anancient Sequoia so high up in the sky and deeply rootedin our common Mother. Listen to my woes of lonelinessand see that will Life all around, NO one is truly lonely or alone.

~ Irucka Ajani Embry