Saul is as different from Simon Wakefield as it's possible to get, I find myself thinking. And Edward Monkford is utterly different from both of them. It seems incredible that Emma could have had relationships with all three men. Where Simon's eager to please, but also touchy and insecure, and Edward's calm and super-confident, Saul is pushy and brash and loud. He also has a habit of saying 'Yeah?' aggressively at the end of his sentences, as if trying to force me to agree with him.

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Characterization Complex Edward Monkford Emma Matthews J P Delaney Personality Relationships The Girl Before

And when I realized you had secrets too, I was glad. I thought we could be honest with each other. That we could finally rid ourselves of all the clutter from our past. Not our possessions, but the stuff we carry around inside our heads. Because that's what I've realized, living in One Folgate Street. You can make your surroundings as polished and empty as you like. But it doesn't really matter if you're still messed up inside. And that's all anyone's looking for really, isn't it? Someone to take care of the mess inside our heads?

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Epiphany Honesty House J P Delaney Mental Illness Relationships Secrets The Girl Before

It's the sketch Edward did of me before he went away, the one he said was fine but didn't want to keep. It's as if he's drawn me not once but twice. In the main drawing I have my head turned to the right. It's so detailed, you can see the tautness of my neck muscles and the arch of my clavicle. But underneath or over that there's a second drawing, barely more than a few jagged, suggestive lines, done with a surprising energy and violence: my head turned the other way, my mouth open in a kind of snarl. The two heads pointing in opposite directions give the drawing a disturbing sense of movement.Which one's the pentimento, and which the finished thing? And why did Edward say there was nothing wrong with it? Did he not want me to see this double image for some reason?

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Art Creepy Different Perspectives Disturbing J P Delaney The Girl Before

That was Emma—she'd have enjoyed knowing she had something like that, something that could blow her whole fucking life and mine apart if it came out. Her little bit of power.

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Characterization Emma Matthews J P Delaney Leverage Power Power Trip Sociopath The Girl Before

But one day, when Toby is old enough, I will take down a shoe box from a shelf where it is kept, and I will tell him again the story of his sister, Isabel Margaret Cavendish, the girl who came before.

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Bittersweet Children Ending J P Delaney Mother And Child Poignant The Girl Before

The same goes for Edward Monkford. Yes, based on what you've told me, it seems Emma was the real narcissist, not him. But there's no doubting he's an extreme controller. What happens when a controller comes up against someone who's out of control? The combination could be explosive.

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Control Controller Controlling Edward Monkford Emma Matthews J P Delaney Narcissist Out Of Control Psychology The Girl Before Toxic Relationship

But I know he loves me. I know he needs our games, that they answer some deep-seated hunger in him.

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Games J P Delaney Mind Games Relationship The Girl Before

But don't you see, I say, I don't care. I don't care what you've done or how bad you are. Edward, we belong together. We both know it. Now I know your worst secrets and you know mine. Isn't that what you've always wanted? For us to be completely honest with each other?

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Acceptance Declaration Of Love Edward Monkford Emma Matthews Honesty J P Delaney Relationship Secrets The Girl Before Unconditional Love We Belong Together

Love flows from me into him, and his blue eyes crinkle, huge and happy. Such a smiley baby. The midwife says it can't be a real smile, not yet, just some passing gas or a random quiver of his lip, but I know she's wrong.

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Baby Happy J P Delaney Mother And Child Smiling The Girl Before

Sometimes it's as if I can shrink away to nothing. Sometimes I feel as pure and perfect as a ghost. The hunger, the headaches, the dizziness—these are the only things that are real.

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Anorexia Description Emma Matthews Ghost Hungry J P Delaney Mental Illness The Girl Before

I know it must look odd, given that I didn't even know Emma. But it seems to me that almost no one really knew her. Everyone I speak to has a different version of what she was like.

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Conflicting Accounts Different Perspectives Emma Matthews J P Delaney Personality The Girl Before

I will take what I can from Edward. And then I will let them fade into history, all the characters in this drama. Emma Matthews and the men who loved her, who became obsessed with her. They're not important to us now.

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Characters Drama Edward Monkford Emma Matthews Ending J P Delaney Jane Cavendish Moving On Obsession The Girl Before

We're all connected now, I think as I send it off into cyberspace. Everyone and everything.

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney All Connected Connected Internet J P Delaney The Girl Before

I feel a thrill of excitement at this first tiny glimpse of self-revelation, of intimacy.

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Intimacy J P Delaney Opening Up Revelation The Girl Before

I loved Emma.' The words, so flat and final, explode into the air. 'But she lied to me. I thought perhaps I could have the love without the lies. With you, I mean. Do you remember your application letter? How you talked about integrity and honesty and trust? That was what made me think it might work, that it might be better this time. But I've never loved you the way I loved her.

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Breakup Comparison Confession Declaration Of Love Hurtful J P Delaney The Girl Before

All these men who loved Emma, I think. For all her problems, men were fixated on her. Will anyone ever feel like that about me?

~ J.p. Delaney

J.p. Delaney Emma Matthews J P Delaney Obsession Romance The Girl Before