Eugene Mirman said this quote

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.

~ Eugene Mirman

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

~ Eugene Mirman

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

~ Eugene Mirman

Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.

~ Eugene Mirman