Jim Gaffigan said this quote

“ Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've never been to sleep before. Bed? What's that? No, I'm not doing that. They never want to go to bed. This is is another thing that I will never have in common with my children. ”

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We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.

~ Jim Gaffigan

The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.

~ Jim Gaffigan

Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going to see if we can handle that before we have kids. This is a little like testing the waters of being a vegetarian by having lettuce on your burger. Okay, maybe that metaphor doesn't make sense, but neither does using a dog as a training method for having a baby.

~ Jim Gaffigan

TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids hate news and mustard. Well, mustard even has the word 'turd' in it. Maybe I should threaten my kids that if they don't go to bed, I will force them to watch an hour-long newscast about mustard.

~ Jim Gaffigan