Andy Rooney Quotes

It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

~ Andy Rooney

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

~ Andy Rooney

I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.

~ Andy Rooney

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

~ Andy Rooney

I just wish this social institution [religion] wasn't based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isn't true.

~ Andy Rooney

I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.

~ Andy Rooney

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

~ Andy Rooney

I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.

~ Andy Rooney

One question in my mind, which I hardly dare mention in public, is whether patriotism has, overall, been a force for good or evil in the world. Patriotism is rampant in war and there are some good things about it. Just as self-respect and pride bring out the best in an individual, pride in family, pride in teammates, pride in hometown bring out the best in groups of people. War brings out the kind of pride in country that encourages its citizens in the direction of excellence and it encourages them to be ready to die for it. At no time do people work so well together to achieve the same goal as they do in wartime. Maybe that's enough to make patriotism eligible to be considered a virtue. If only I could get out of my mind the most patriotic people who ever lived, the Nazi Germans.

~ Andy Rooney

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

~ Andy Rooney

If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.

~ Andy Rooney

It’s just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there.

~ Andy Rooney

The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

~ Andy Rooney

The Christmas tree is a symbol of love, not money. There's a kind of glory to them when they're all lit up that exceeds anything all the money in the world could buy.

~ Andy Rooney

The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature. If some of our great decorated trees had been grown in a remote forest area with lights that came on every evening as it grew dark, the whole world would come to look at them and marvel at the mystery of their great beauty.

~ Andy Rooney

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

~ Andy Rooney

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

~ Andy Rooney

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

~ Andy Rooney

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.

~ Andy Rooney

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

~ Andy Rooney

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

~ Andy Rooney

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

~ Andy Rooney

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

~ Andy Rooney

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

~ Andy Rooney

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

~ Andy Rooney

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

~ Andy Rooney

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

~ Andy Rooney

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

~ Andy Rooney