What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times? A widow.
~ Anonymous
My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.
Arguing with my wife is like this: I came! I saw! I concurred!
A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it.
They were married for better or worse. He couldn't have done better and she couldn't have done worse.
When my wife was asked Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . . she answered For richer.
The man who boasts he never made a mistake is often married to the woman who did.
So you want to become my son-in-law. Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter.
This is a perfect pair - he's a hypochondriac and she's a pill.
Keeping a secret from my wife is like trying to smuggle daylight past a rooster. Annoyed wife to husband: Can't you just say we've been married twenty-four years instead of almost a quarter of a century?
You might try doing what my folks did. Twice a week they would go out for a special meal. . . with wine good food and soft lighting. Dad took Tuesday and Mom took Thursday.
He had a great sound system - but he didn't know much about fidelity.
After our honeymoon I felt like a new man. She said she did too.
My wife divorced me because of illness. She got sick of me.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first divorced me and the second won't.
For their last anniversary she gave him a set of luggage - packed.
A faithful husband is one whose alimony check is always on time.
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me I can't remember why I got married.
Not all of his relationships were meant to end . . . Once he sent a postcard and inadvertently wrote Wish you were her.
Going shopping with your husband is like his going fishing with the game warden.
To cure sometimes to relieve often to comfort always.
A man is never so weak as when a woman is telling him how strong he is.
Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
Outside every thin girl is a fat man trying to get in.
There is nothing wrong with making mistakes. Just don't respond with encores.
Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day like those of a baseball player.
Even moderation ought not to be practised to excess.
Definition of Father's Day: Same as Mother's Day but you don't spend as much.
My folks refused to have more than four children after reading that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese.
Every small boy wonders why his father didn't go into the ice cream business.
Dad named his first ulcer after me.
MOTHER TO TEENAGER ON SUNDAY MORNING: I believe I heard the clock strike one when you came in last night. teen: Well I know how much you need your sleep so it was going to strike ten but I stopped it at one chime.
I hope I look as good as my mother does when I reach the age she says she isn't.
Persistence is the master virtue. Without it there is no other.
A winner never quits and a quitter never wins.
We rate ability in men by what they finish not by what they begin.
The race is not always to the swift but to those who keep on running.
It's the steady constant driving to the goal for which you're striving not the speed with which you travel that will make your victory sure.
I'm not there yet but I'm closer than I was yesterday.
If something is boring after two minutes try it for four. If still boring try for eight sixteen thirty-two and so on. Eventually one discovers that it is not boring but very interesting.
