Joan Rivers Quotes

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

~ Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

~ Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

~ Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

~ Joan Rivers

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

~ Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

~ Joan Rivers

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.

~ Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

~ Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

~ Joan Rivers

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

~ Joan Rivers