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Joan Rivers Quotes

Joan Rivers quote from classy quote

I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

I said, Is there! I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything — staying in motion because sooner or later those ripples will cause change.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself, that should be a secret they must find out .

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

Liked was the kiss of death. Loved or hated interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Emotion Humour Nyc Performers Writing

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

…but I think comedy is more aggressive than that. It is a medium for revenge. We can deflate and punish the pomposity and the rejection which hurt us. Comedy is power.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Writing

…you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridiculous and the absurdity of life…We are all crazy and crazed.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Brooklyn Comedy Humour Nyc Performers Stand Up Writing

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Mistake Sex Tramp Woman

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Comedy Kiss Life

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Insult Stupidity Wwii

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Birthdays Age

I hate Billings Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog and point.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Cities Travel

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and thanks to television you can shop in bed.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Cities Travel

We Can't Afford to Doubt Ourselves I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door I'll go through another door-or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Self Confidence

I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Self Confidence

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Sleep Wake Up Looking

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Children Day Little Things

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Funny Small You

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Fat Favorite Her

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Control Birth

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Life Enjoy Life Enjoy

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Wisdom Today God

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Nice You Read

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers God Sky Thank God

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Funny Diamonds Bend

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Clothes You Like

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Mother Loved New

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Friends Night Me

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Never Found Which

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Life Life Is Hard Laugh

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

~ Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Hate Start You
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