Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore.
~ Lois Greiman
Trust is important to any relationship… and easier to come by if you get a picture of a guy's wife buck naked.
There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.
You don't need to be smarter, you just need dumber friends.
Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts.
Celibacy sucks, no pun intended.
I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on.
It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood.
Sometimes stupid is crime enough.
Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously.
There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders.
A pigs and pain, until you really get to know 'em. Then he's a paid with the soul.
Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well.
Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster.
Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death.
Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of 'em has a big-ass head full of air.
I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet
If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.
It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.
In my experience, what the hell is generally the most interesting decision.
Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.
Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.
Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair.
Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores.
Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid.
And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.
There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect.
You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.
Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either.
He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.
She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not
In 50 years it won't matter if he's handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don't make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose.
In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.
In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life.
There isn't much a pan of warm Brownies and a glass of milk will fix. In less it's low grain prices. Or poverty. Or the national debt. I guess there are a few things, but nothing you have to worry about right this minute.
I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train.
Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment.
Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.
In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.
