Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor's rottweiler just the same.
~ Lois Greiman
Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies.
Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
In the beginning God made the seas, the mountains, the heavens, and buffalo knees. He made lilies, and dew drops, and snail shells, and roses, and dippers, and yappers, and snappers, and noses.
He looked from His heavens and saw it was good, the toes and the crows all looked like they should. The bunny was quick, the finch bright as a daisy, the owl flew at night, and the tortoise was lazy.
Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers.
If you don't like your teeth, keep your mouth shut.
Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain't nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops.
Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.
If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does?
Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards.
What if there's no such thing as PMS, and this is just my personality?
You don't know many friends you have till you buy a big-ass house on the beach.
You guys gotta get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father.
A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good.
Taxes for people with too much damned time on their hands.
Expect stupid. It's everywhere.
The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments.
If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago.
I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot.
If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift.
A person without regrets is called a corpse.
Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.
False hope is better than no hope at all.
All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge.
I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear.
A woman needs a man like a tuba needs a cucumber.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls.
A wedding is no way to begin a marriage.
When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all.
If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong.
Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier.
Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing.
Love is like skydiving without a parachute.
Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance.
I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.
A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.
You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.
Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.
