I’d like you to come to Kauai with me,” I say. “And Scottie. I think it would be good to get her away from the hospital for a day. We can leave in the morning, find him, and be home tomorrow night. If it takes us a day longer, that’s fine, but we won’t stay more than two nights. That’s our deadline. If we don’t find him, then at least we know we tried.”“And this will make you feel better somehow?”“It’s for her,” I say. “Not for him or me.”“What if he’s a wreck? What if he loses his shit?”“Then I’ll take care of him.” I imagine Brian Speer wailing on my shoulder. I imagine him and my daughters by Joanie’s bed, her lover and his loud sobs shaming us. “Just so you know, I am angry. I’m not this pure and noble guy. I want to do this for her, but I also want to see who he is. I want to ask him a few things.”“Just call him. Tell his office it’s an emergency. They’ll have him call you.”“I want to tell him in person. I haven’t told anyone over the phone, and I don’t want to start now.”“You told Troy.”“Troy doesn’t count. I just need to do this. On the phone he can escape. If I see him in person, he’ll have nowhere to go.”We both look away when our eyes meet. She hasn’t crossed the border into my room. She never does during her nighttime doorway chats.“Were you guys having trouble?” Alex asks. “Is that why she cheated?”“I didn’t think we were having trouble,” I say. “I mean, it was the same as always.”This was the problem, that our marriage was the same as always. Joanie needed bumps. She needed rough terrain. It’s funny that I can get lost in thoughts about her, but when she was right in front of me, I didn’t think much about her at all.“I wasn’t the best husband,” I say.Alex looks out the window to avoid my confession. “If we go on this trip, what will we tell Scottie?”“She’ll think we’re going on a trip of some sort. I want to get her away from here.

~ Kaui Hart Hemmings

You’ve already said that,” Alex says. “Why should I go?”“You’re the only person I have,” I say. “And I want us all to be together. It will be good for us.”“Oh, so now I’m back in the picture again.”“Alex. Something bigger than you is occurring right now. I’m sorry about your unhappy childhood.”She glares at me in that special way of hers and Joanie’s that makes me feel worthless and foul-smelling.“So we’ll tell Scottie we’re going on a vacation while Mom is in the hospital?”“It’s for a day or two,” I say. “Scottie’s been in the hospital every day for almost a month now. She needs a break. It’s not good for her. I’d like you to be in charge of answering any questions she may have. She looks up to you. She’ll hang on whatever you say.”I’m hoping a leadership role, a specific chore, will make Alex act like an adult and treat Scottie well.“Can you do that?”She shrugs.“If you can’t handle things, let me know. I’ll help. I’m here for you.”Alex laughs. I wonder if there are parents who can say things to their kids like “I love you” or “I’m here for you” without being laughed at. I have to admit it’s a bit uncomfortable. Affection, in general, is unpleasant to me.“What if Mom doesn’t make it for two days?”“She will,” I say. “I’ll tell her what we’re doing.”Alex looks uncomfortable with this idea, that what I’ll say will make her mother want to live. “I’m bringing Sid,” she says. “If he doesn’t come, then I’m not going.”I’m about to protest, but I see the look in her eyes and know this is yet another battle that I’m bound to lose. Something about this guy is helping her. And Scottie seems to like him. He can keep her distracted. He can work for me.“Okay,” I say. “Deal.

~ Kaui Hart Hemmings

TIA OR TARA has stopped applying makeup to my wife’s face and is looking at Scottie with disapproval. The light is hitting this woman’s face, giving me an opportunity to see that she should perhaps be working on her own makeup. Her coloring is similar to a manila envelope. There are specks of white in her eyebrows, and her concealer is not concealing. I can tell my daughter doesn’t know what to do with this woman’s critical look.“What?” Scottie asks. “I don’t want any makeup.” She looks at me for protection, and it’s heartbreaking. All the women who model with Joanie have this inane urge to make over my daughter with the notion that they’re helping her somehow. She’s not as pretty as her older sister or her mother, and these other models think that slapping on some rouge will somehow make her feel better about her facial fate. They’re like missionaries. Mascara thumpers.“I was just going to say that I think your mother was enjoying the view,” Tia or Tara says. “It’s so pretty outside. You should let the light in.”My daughter looks at the curtain. Her little mouth is open. Her hand reaches for a tumbleweed of hair.“Listen here, T. Her mother was not enjoying the view. Her mother is in a coma. And she’s not supposed to be in bright light.”“My name is not T,” she says. “My name is Allison.”“Okay, then, Ali. Don’t confuse my daughter, please.”“I’m turning into a remarkable young lady,” Scottie says.“Damn straight.” My heart feels like one of Scottie’s clogs clomping down the hall. I don’t know why I became so angry.

~ Kaui Hart Hemmings