Humor Quotes

One’s options in this world are as vast as the horizon, which is technically a circle and thus infinitely broad. Yet we must choose each step we take with utmost caution, for the footprints we leave behind are as important as the path we will follow. They’re part of the same journey — our story.

~ Lori R. Lopez

The flowers like me back.

~ John H. Carroll

Sylvie had an amazing life, but she didn't get to live it very often.

~ Roderick Townley

Humanity's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.

~ Terry Pratchett

Toads are to dragons what carrots are to unicorns.

~ Ness Kingsley

It felt like he’d been dragged through the nine circles of hell — by his testicles.

~ Kay Berrisford

I didn’t ask for your help,” I muttered, too exhausted to properly argue. “So fuck you.”An alarm bell went off in my head and I bit back a sigh. I swore I sensed the mischievous grin that inevitably crossed his lips.“I already did you.”It was going to be a long drive.

~ Natasha Mcneely

Alright. You hate me, I'm not too fond of you. It's mutual... he muttered, walking hesitantly toward the stallion, hand outstretched, I know you want to bite my hand off, but I swear I have no carrots, so you have no excuse. You want to throw me when I get on you...but if you even try, I will stab you.

~ Shanda Sharlow

An uncomfortable marriage can not bear the strain of the death of a beloved donkey.

~ Merrie Haskell

You need to have faith and trust, Moira.And a little bit of pixie dust?

~ Allison Brennan

Help me out,” I pleaded. “You’ve left me alone to deal with this situation, and now we’re being dealt the consequences.”I swore I heard Tom growl. I actually pulled the phone from my ear to stare at it to make sure it hadn’t turned into a tiny lion.

~ Laura Kreitzer

How ya doing?” Gabby’s face came into view, and she grinned down at me. She’d stopped doing her healing thing, and the pain rushed in.“I’m just peachy,” I quipped, throat scratchy. “Only hurts when I breathe or blink or exist, if I’m being honest.

~ Laura Kreitzer

So what did you do, drug me, stuff me in the trunk, then dump me like a sacrificial offering into that vampire’s coffin? - Shella

~ Krista Alasti

When a Dragon, an Elf, and a Human walk into a bar, the Human is always going to be the punch line.

~ Bryan Fields

I had this guy’s file pulled this morning, along with the rest of your neighbors. His name is Desperado.”Pause. A few seconds passed. He was waiting for my reaction.“Did you say Desperado?” I couldn’t stop the snort of laughter that bubbled to the surface. “Yeah,” the Director confirmed. “He changed his name when he turned eighteen. It was Melvin.”I was still laughing. “’Cause Desperado is so much better than Melvin.

~ Laura Kreitzer

I tapped around on my new Miracle Phone—a gift from Joseph—as I listened to the discussion about our next move. I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I’d recently become addicted to this one game on my Miracle Phone. Really, I was listening. I could multitask like no other. Trust me, there’s an app for that.

~ Laura Kreitzer

Jules lips quivered, and I feared she was about to cry. Then she asked, “He bit off more than he could chew, didn’t he?” She made a motion as if she was biting into a tough piece of steak.Gabriella’s lips sealed shut as she tried to hide her grin, though she failed at it when Andrew asked, “Was he eating?” He turned desperately to Gabriella, confused.Jules wasn’t about to cry, she was trying not to laugh! She giggled then, the sound tinkling and odd in the outlandish setting.Andrew straightened and shook his head at Gabriella. “Did you see him eat?

~ Laura Kreitzer

Joseph, you’re out of clean towels.” Lucia poked her head into the living room, the rest of her hidden behind the wall. Her red hair dripped water onto my wooden floors.“She’s in the buff.” Jenna guffawed. Gabriella rolled her eyes, beaming.I rose. “Go back to the bathroom. I’ll bring you a towel,” I ordered Lucia. She disappeared down the hall.“You have naked angels running around your house,” Jenna continued through her laughter. Gabby laughed louder.

~ Laura Kreitzer

Well, the only reason we’re friends is because you can rock a tweed suit,” she informed, tone mock serious. “So if you want to keep me around, I expect more tweed.

~ Laura Kreitzer

Shut the front door!” Jenna exclaimed.Andrew disappeared into the foyer, and when he returned, his eyebrows were furrowed in confusion. “The door is shut?

~ Laura Kreitzer

Awe! Leaving so soon?” Gabby said sweetly, holding the door open. “I was just about to pull out the gun for you to play single-player Russian Roulette.

~ Laura Kreitzer

When I look at my bookcase and see the books upon the shelves, I think to myself, There is a God.

~ Sully Tarnish

A female dragon’s tail is of the utmost importance to her. Male dragons find them irresistible. After all where do you think the term ‘Getting some tail’ came from?

~ Sully Tarnish

What I knew for sure was that he had a quick temper, a cocky attitude, and a southern accent... Apparently he also has a pet cougar.

~ Stacy Mantle

Without thinking about it at all, Harry stepped in front of Hermione.There was an intake of breath from behind him, and then a moment later Hermione brushed past and stepped in front of him. Run, Harry! she said. Boys shouldn't have to be in danger.

~ Eliezer Yudkowsky

But it is cute. It's such a boy thing to do.Drop dead.Aw, you say the most romantic things.

~ Eliezer Yudkowsky

We've got an unbeatable team.- Sauron

~ Robert Lynn Asprin

One becomes sated with platitudes no less than honey, so that one often breaks another's bones in one's vexation.

~ Jack Vance

(Uncle) would remark that it was impossible to get by without such a (portentous and whimsical) tone when speaking of many things of this world, and especially of the things not entirely of this world.

~ Vladimir Odoyevsky

I have no way to describe this, and I am positive that this is all just a horrible dream I have yet to wake up from. The vice principle is insane. My own uncle is insane. Those stupid kids are insane. Mother Nature is insane...

~ J. Copeland

I would offer congratulations were it not for this tentacle gripping my leg.

~ Jack Vance

Only in Xanth would parents see a dragon looming over their children and depart with confidence.

~ Piers Anthony

Farther down the riverbank sat a young man dressed all in white. He was the only person in sight. His hair was white, his skin chalk pale, and he sat and stared up and down the river, as if he were admiring the view. He looked like how Victorian Romantic poets looked just before the consumption and drug abuse really started to cut it. --Good Omens pg.191-192

~ Terry Pratchett

Just think of it as a picnic with guns and monsters instead of mosquitoes and ants. Do we have fun or what?

~ Laurence Yep

The Contract had an air of esoteric mysticism when it covered topics related to the universe’s deepest secrets, yet it was gratuitously specific regarding the wrath of Thotash and the penalty for default. Huge swaths of the unholy text were dedicated to the terrors and woes that would fall upon those who failed to meet the Terms, including pestilences of the skin, debilitating afflictions of vital organs, nameless horrors from forgotten dimensions, and the “rain of teeth,” though whose teeth was uncertain. Article VIII, section 3, subsection B was particularly unsettling, assuming one had sufficient familiarity with anatomy to grasp it fully

~ J. Zachary Pike

When he had brushed a thin coat of dust off the pebbled leather cover of one volume, he saw the words: Register of All Wizards and Warlocks of the South Kingdom and of the North Kingdom from the Beginning of the World to the Present Time.

~ John Bellairs

He had taken the precaution of closing the inside shutters of the only window, and his staff, though it leaned lightly on the door, was capable of keeping out anyone who did not want to smash his way in with an ax.

~ John Bellairs

Kumquats?I've had a few.But then again, tofu dementia.

~ Robert Leland Taylor

I love Carlos like the weird, half-dead son I never particularly wanted

~ Daniel José Older

Then perhaps you don’t need it. I think the scar gives you character, even if it does mar those pretty tattoos. Would make for great tavern stories if you didn’t cover it.” Neferre laughed flatly and stuck her hands in her pockets. “There’s nothing great about getting mugged, Ziro.” Ziro laughed, her deep voice jiggling her second chin. “Oh, aye. But no one said you had to tell the truth now, did they?

~ Ash Gray