Humor Quotes

Necessity is the mother of invention, which probably explains why invention’s father left home on the pretext of buying a newspaper and hasn’t been heard of since.

~ Tom Holt

Chiron looked surprised. “I thought that would be obvious enough. The entrance to the Underworld is in Los Angeles.

~ Rick Riordan

I hope so,” grumbled Ian. “I’m going to look for another one of ‘em winged dogs for Mabel.

~ Ness Kingsley

If the future historians were to digitally unearth our generation, they would decipher the facial expressions on the Selfie's as the generation of people suffering from wide spread constipation!

~ Vishwanath S J

Bethany had liked Miles because he made her laugh. He makes me laugh, too. Miles figured that digging up Bethany's grave, even that would've made her laugh. Bethany had had a great laugh, which went up and up, like a clarinetist on an escalator. It wasn't annoying. It had been delightful, if you liked that kind of laugh. It would have made Bethany laugh that Miles Googled “grave digging” in order to educate himself. He read an Edgar Allan Poe story. He watched several relevant episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and he bought Vicks®VapoRub™, which you were supposed to apply under your nose.

~ Kelly Link

Your name isn't Sniffles? Ewan pretended to be surprised.

~ C.j. Milbrandt

It’s like a jolt of electricity, but worse.

~ Lee Davidson

Dude, it's mind control. That's got to be the best superpower ever!

~ Lee Davidson

I heard our kid here is quite the scrapper.

~ Lee Davidson

If upper management found out, they’d send you off to the Probing Department.

~ Lee Davidson

He gives new meaning to the word bombed.

~ Lee Davidson

My memories came back like a punch in the face. Only good.

~ Lee Davidson

You really are Captain Oblivious.

~ Lee Davidson

It's like a jolt of electric, but worse.

~ Lee Davidson

Who wanted to make lemonade from lemons, when you could make perfectly good lemonade grenades?

~ Melissa De La Cruz

The day the Dragon chooses a male virgin instead of a female as his yearly sacrifice, the entire kingdom erupts into mass protests and anger.

~ Mads Sukalikar

Amelia envisaged that between York and the royal-infested Scottish Highlands there was a grimy wasteland of derelict cranes and abandoned mills and betrayed, yet still staunch, people. Oh and moorland, of course, vast tracts of brooding landscape under lowering skies, and across this heath strode brooding, lowering men intent on reaching their ancestral houses, where they were going to fling open doors and castigate orphaned yet resolute governesses. Or — preferably — the brooding, lowering men were on horseback, black horses with huge muscled haunches, glistening with sweat —

~ Kate Atkinson

I heard ‘naked’ and ‘full of hot air.’ I try not to let that be my first impression of anyone.

~ Kathy Bryson

I am always a perfect gentleman. If you ever want me to not be a perfect gentlemen, you’ll have to ask and not be crying when you do.

~ Kathy Bryson

You are never to drive like that,” I told them. “Even if you are ever wealthy enough to own a Jaguar.

~ Kathy Bryson

How would we get corporate sponsorship if we were just a bunch of thugs?

~ Kathy Bryson

I love the man,” Megan said as she took a seat, “but honestly he needs to learn when not to agree with me.

~ Kathy Bryson

That’s the problem! She doesn’t say anything. She just stares at me like she’s hypnotized, like she thinks I’m a god, but then she runs off squeaking if I try to talk to her.”“I don’t squeak,” I protested. “Maybe she’s not looking at you like you’re a god. Maybe she thinks you’re more of a freak,” Fergus mused.“I’m not a freak.” Murphy jerked his head as if dodging a fly or tossing his hair. “It’s definitely a ‘you’re a god’ look. She practically drools.

~ Kathy Bryson

I’m an ass,” the voice on the phone said. “A complete and total ass.

~ Kathy Bryson

It was a sign of how worried and confused I was that I wasn’t completely distracted by the sight of his powerful thighs flexed in front of me.

~ Kathy Bryson

Leprechauns are not twee beings dreamed up by the tourist board, but warriors of legend. That name comes from the Celtic god of commerce and war, Lugh. Their mission, their life’s work, is to protect the gold. What better way to hide it than to become a joke, a story nobody takes seriously?

~ Kathy Bryson

Jinx, I know you just lost your grandfather, but you straighten out your tone right now or I will smack you one!

~ Kathy Bryson

Ah, that’s just sean nós singing and dancing. Something to do around the pub of an evening.

~ Kathy Bryson

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Don’t know what I’m talking about!” My shout hit notes that normally only Wagnerian sopranos can reach. “You think you’re a freaking leprechaun, but I don’t know what I’m talking about?

~ Kathy Bryson

No, really,” she said. “We get it. Sometimes the guy just makes you crazy, even if you do love him.

~ Kathy Bryson

You could have agreed to disagree,” Megan argued. “Then you could kiss and make up. That could be fun.

~ Kathy Bryson

A country road, a gravel road, is a sign of civilization, sure, but it’s just a farm, an easy conquest. Iron means a stronghold, people who can defend what’s theirs.

~ Kathy Bryson

You can’t have it both ways. Either I’m Irish and can talk, or I’m a man and I can’t.

~ Kathy Bryson

Mr. Jennings is the one who trapped the fairies here to begin with. If they’re back and wandering around, if they’re loose, then, well, it’s not good.

~ Kathy Bryson

That’s not Eire. Everyone always thinks that, but we’re not shamrocks and wee men. You should know the difference.

~ Kathy Bryson

Murphy didn’t appear to notice my chagrin, but instead pulled up the hem of his long-sleeved tee to wipe at his face. Since he flashed his sculpted abdominals right at me, I grew hot and flushed. I mean, you could see every dip and curve, including the ones on either hip that made a V to lead the eye to the fly of his jeans.

~ Kathy Bryson

Everyone helping out was supposed to make me feel better, but it actually made me feel more like a screw up.

~ Kathy Bryson

The older lady smiled a friendly welcome that rivaled her preserves for sweet appeal. She could have been someone’s grandmother complete with close-cropped white hair if she wasn’t wearing a worn Grateful Dead T-shirt over a long-sleeved thermal. The 1987 Summer Tour.

~ Kathy Bryson

Now, where had I heard drinking and brawling before? Oh right, Ashley’s father. Well, I wasn’t doing that again.

~ Kathy Bryson

That was one tiny trailer when both girls wanted to watch TV or use the computer or the bathroom at the same time.

~ Kathy Bryson